Gossip 2026

PAGE SIX 2026
A FRIGHTENING LOOK INTO OUR FUTURE

Newsletters
April 20, 2006 --

Wedding is a Suri thing

The long-feuding Cruise and Shields clans made peace this weekend with the surprise wedding of Suri Cruise and Grier Shields Henchy, who both turned 20 yesterday. The lavish lesbian ceremony was held on the grounds of John Travolta's Battlefield Earth Theme Park (formerly St. Patrick's Cathedral). But our spy, Webster Hall archeologist Baird Jones Jr., offered an exclusive account of the nuptials officiated by Pope Bono.

The brides wore matching white Wal-Mart Wang gowns trailed by 20-foot trains carried by miniature Chihuahuas, all descendants of Tinkerbell Hilton.

They exchanged rings - gifts from Oprah Winfrey, Omega Thetan IV, the peacemaker who brought Suri's dad, Tom Cruise, and Grier's mom, Brooke Shields, together to bury the hatchet in a very special "Oprah" Super Bowl LIX halftime show - the highest-rated program ever.

The happy couple met in a Beverly Hills prison, after Grier was arrested for peddling anti-depressants. Suri was in the next cell, recovering from an overdose of Zoloft. Two days later, Suri was trampolining on couches at the "Late Nights with Lindsay and Dina Lohan" show.

Tom Cruise said the wedding was "extraordinary!" "Amazing!" "She's an extraordinary woman!" and "Xenu-rific!" Katie Holmes was silent, as she has been for the past two decades.

Guests were disappointed, however, when the placenta puffs were gobbled up by an out-of control and uninvited Kirstie Alley (star of the reality hit "Nearly Dead From Advance Complications due to Type II Diabetes Actress"). Two paparazzi were killed by surface-to-air missiles (legal under Patriot Act 79) when their jetpacks drifted too close to the proceedings.

Cruise-Henchy sold the exclusive photo rights to Jill Johnson, 12, who leads the MySpace rankings with 92 million friends. "This rulz, LOL!" Jill wrote.


Cruise-Henchy will honeymoon at Brokeback Mountain National Park, formerly Wyoming.

Sightings

CALL him a cougar hunter - Kal-el Cage leaving Sen. Tara Reid's party boat in the wee hours of the morning ... Rocco Ritchie and Sean Preston Spears Federline do their mamas proud by locking lips at MTV's 45th annual Video Music Awards ... At least a dozen of the confirmed 15 Jolie-Pitt children were seen buying 100 appetizers from '21' Club and giving them to the homeless, who, unaccustomed to the richness of foie gras poppers, mostly threw them right back up.

Just asking

WHICH aging lothario rates Apple Martin a "5," Lourdes Ciccone a "7" and Moses Martin a "9"? Naughty. . . WHAT pouty-lipped celebrity offspring is renouncing her American citizenship to run for president of Namibia? . . . WHICH poptart spawn was arrested for driving without a seatbelt for the third time this month? "Mom never strapped me in to car seats or high chairs, so I guess I just never got in the habit," he told our spy.

Isn't he Love-ly?

PROPS to Lawrence Cobain- he might only be 6, but he's sharp as a tack. When his granny Courtney Love lost consciousness at her Chelsea loft on Tuesday, the quick- thinking youngster - who's staying with Love while mom Frances Bean is honeymooning on the Icelandic Riviera with new hubby Wilmer Valderrama - calmly dialed 911 and administered CPR while waiting for an ambulance to arrive. Then, as she was being loaded in to a stretcher, the modest tyke delicately covered his granny's exposed bosom with a blanket. "You'd almost think he's done this before," said one impressed paramedic.

Parisopolous now

Paris Hilton III, grandaughter of the original post-millennial celubu-tard, was seen canoodling with Martian shipping heir Spiros Kyripoulos at the exclusive club Pancake in the Siliconpacking District.

"He's so hot," said Hilton Sr., back in the news because of her "One Night in Uranus" sex tape.

"And Mars is so hot. The lava. It burns."

Hilton Sr. arrived with the newly refriended Nicole Richie, now just a feeble 32-pound head and the new face of Loréal.

The two are starring on "The Severely Simple Life of the Clinically Brain Dead 27," where they have to follow shiny objects with their eyes. The objects also make noises.

Richie really did look fantastic.

Hilton III glided in on her Maybach Segway and stayed only long enough to exchange smooches with the space-hunk before she had to catch a shuttle to Jayoncé's Sweet 16.

Our spy reports that daddy Z will be performing for his booty-ful daughter - coming out of retirement for the 17th time this year.

Red-faced Barron

RIGHT after being told "you're fired" by Sunglass Hut, Barron Trump's aggressive courtship of Violet Affleck screeched to a halt when the well-coiffed kid's AMEX card got shredded at Bungalow 12.

Apparently the elder Trump hadn't told his heir that he'd mortgaged Barron's entire portfolio and tapped out his son's credit to make payroll at the Taj, the fading Trump empire's sole real estate holding.

Donald, meanwhile, eagerly awaits the birth of his ninth child, Jesus Christ, by the loins of his Pakistani supermodel wife. His previous wife, Melania, was rendered immobile by a severely incapacitating Botox accident. Doctors say she swallowed yesterday - a good sign.

We hear...

THAT Jennifer Aniston insists she really is fine, definitely hopes to start a family this year ... THAT Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will enter their junior year at NYU in the fall ... THAT Derek Jeter IX, clone shortstop, making out with Miss Intergalactic after the Philadelphia Yankees' win over the Mexico City Marlins . . . THAT writers Raakhee Mirchandani, Eric Torbenson, Chris Erikson, Michael Kane, Mandy Stadtmiller, Maureen Callahan, Billy Heller and comedians Susie Felber, William K. Scurry III, Christian Finnegan, Andy Borowitz, Anthony DeVito and Leslie Gold put this page together.