This year

Will this be the year I can't make it through tax season? Every year we have the same fight. Every year we make up. Every year I swear I'm not going to make a permanent break during tax season and 12 months later it's all the same. I'm pulling away, cutting my hair, vowing I've had enough, and looking forward to April the 15th so I can break up with him.

It hurts on a regular day that I want him more than he wants me. That I'm far down on his list of priorities and he's at the top of mine. It's not a good feeling. But it's never so evident as it is in tax season and never so much as this year.

I've needed him and he's been unavailable. It's especially infuriating when he claims I'm retreating from the world and he's concerned. No, I'm not. I'm getting out in the world as well as I can right now. He doesn't know that because I hear from him maybe once or twice a week for the last two and a half months. I don't tell him about going to towns or having experiences that are now routine for me. And I don't tell him that the new things I'm not moving on fast enough to suit him are because I feel like Hell and I physically haven't been able to do it. I'm not being a Hermit. I'm hurting and some days washing my face and brushing my teeth can wipe me out for a half hour. I don't want to spend the time I have with him bitching, moaning, and complaining.

I feel abandoned and unimportant. I feel like he's already left me.