Let's Save Marriage!

I've had it all wrong. Those silly ideas about freedom, individuality, self determination. What was I thinking?!

Those people who are determined to keep gays from getting married to save marriage, they're right. But if we really value marriage, we aren't going far enough. If those bothersome gays have to give up full protection under the law for the greater good of preserving the institution of marriage, everyone else should have to make some sacrifices too.

No more divorce. It doesn't matter if you hate and despise one another. Nothing is more destructive of marriage than divorce so that has to be the first thing to go.

Put adulterers in prison. Those pesky privacy concerns don't matter when compared to the importance of the institution. So what if 70% of married people will have to be jailed. And, given the infidelity rates in law enforcement, I'm not sure who's going to arrest and guard all those people but those are all triffles.

Make birth control illegal. After all, the importance of one man/one woman is that they can procreate so the government should insure that all citizens procreate as much as possible. Sidenote: strong consideration should be given to banning anyone who can't certify their ability to reproduce from marrying. Any person practicing birth control should be jailed.

Women should be banned from working. It causes stress on the marriage and someone needs to take care of all those children that no birth control is going to create. Any woman attempting to work should be jailed.

Ban civil marriages. If we're going to run our government on religious principles, go all out and make sure all marriages are blessed by the god the majority chooses (crack down on immigration to insure that the 'right' majority stays the majority). Anyone attempting to marry someone while dressed like Elvis should be jailed.

Those are the basics. After that the government based on moral values can decide what size house we can live in (government studies can determine the optimum size and configuration to preserve marriage), what kind of cars we can drive (we'll need bigger vehicles with all those children), what kind of foods we can buy (the government should step in and mandate healthy eating habits by all) and whatever else the majority decides matters.

Down with individualism! Down with freedom! Down with the Constitution!

It's about preserving the important things.