Cowboy Up

After all these years, Merv still surprises me.

He made cowboy boots?! He wears cowboy boots! He has a cowboy hat!

What's really sad is that, as we talked about the past, I realized I'd have found him irresistible if I met him years before. In my wilder, younger, more reckless days I'd have tried my best to club him and drag him home and, back then, I'd have done everything to keep him. It would have been nice to have a child that had a Father like him. It would have been nice for my kids to grow up around a man like him.

But....paths cross too late, too many committments have been made, we're too...trapped?

Sometimes I hope we outlast, that we live long enough. Then I wonder if we actually get to that point, what if we can't stand each other 24/7 ? Then I reason the odds of 2 middle-aged smokers lasting much longer and figure one or both of us could go any second.

But even with my cynicism, and walls, and sarcasm, and guardedness, nights like tonight..... he makes a horrible day good just because I can share it with him. He shares a part of himself that I never knew and it makes me realize everything about him that's been real, as opposed to my own fears, walls, and guardedness, has been what I want.