Sunday

I love a man whose face I've never seen.

I know him not at all

but he knows all of me.

This year

Will this be the year I can't make it through tax season? Every year we have the same fight. Every year we make up. Every year I swear I'm not going to make a permanent break during tax season and 12 months later it's all the same. I'm pulling away, cutting my hair, vowing I've had enough, and looking forward to April the 15th so I can break up with him.

It hurts on a regular day that I want him more than he wants me. That I'm far down on his list of priorities and he's at the top of mine. It's not a good feeling. But it's never so evident as it is in tax season and never so much as this year.

I've needed him and he's been unavailable. It's especially infuriating when he claims I'm retreating from the world and he's concerned. No, I'm not. I'm getting out in the world as well as I can right now. He doesn't know that because I hear from him maybe once or twice a week for the last two and a half months. I don't tell him about going to towns or having experiences that are now routine for me. And I don't tell him that the new things I'm not moving on fast enough to suit him are because I feel like Hell and I physically haven't been able to do it. I'm not being a Hermit. I'm hurting and some days washing my face and brushing my teeth can wipe me out for a half hour. I don't want to spend the time I have with him bitching, moaning, and complaining.

I feel abandoned and unimportant. I feel like he's already left me.

It's Your Dog

I got the dog. He didn't want another dog. Time to pay.

It's also my life. I didn't want this life. And I pay every day. And I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live through this. I would rather die than come back into this house and spend two weeks trapped with Brick.

In 'The Story of an Hour' no one else in that class understood. I doubt any of the rest of them looked at life as endless days stretching ahead that would have to be endured and hoped that life would be short. I understood all to well.

Oh, at some point I'll get my equilibrium back and I'll get through the days and I'll find some small things that make the life worth enduring but not tonight. Tonight he is my dog and he's one more illustration that I am so alone when I want and need someone and smothered when I'm begging to be left alone.

Merv the Perv

So I ask myself as I'm talking to the guy I'm crazy about tonight 'If I could have him for the rest of my life is this what I really want?' When I get out of the lust-induced haze I have to ask myself just how kinky am I ready to live with on a daily basis? But I've been living with it for thirteen years and he hasn't completely freaked me out yet. But lately it's getting kind of close. Lately it's been so reckless, so out of control, so out there, that I don't know if I could have it if I would want it.

Is it even him I want or the vision of him I've created? Is it real because it's lasted this long or has it lasted this long because he's always, in the end, unavailable. So I ask myself the lottery question, If I won $100 million tomorrow (i.e. complete financial freedom) would I still want him? And so far, the answer's still yes. I'd still want at least a few years of seeing what life would be like with Merv the Perv.

Luddite

Since I can't even figure out how to make this thing work, this might be the safest form of self-expression ever. I just type away and it never posts.

Crazy?

This may be the craziest thing I've done in a life of crazy choices. Somehow, I've gotten the idea that this is safer than a paper journal that would be left around the house. So, the names are changed to protect the guilty and innocent.....