Running for the Border

Tomorrow I get the heck out of New Mexico. CDs have been purchased to deal with the stretches without radio. Alternate routes were investigated but unfortunately the way we came in is the quickest, most populous way out. I'm taking a pillow, a blankie, and a sleeping pill and will hopefully not regain conciousness until there is a halfway decent convenience store every 5-10 miles along the road. (munchies and huge containers to hold ice water were purchased along with the CDs).

Beauty is in the Mind of the Beholder

Why do women not recognize their natural beauty? Large breasted women want small perky ones. Small breasted women pay money for distorting implants. Women with curly hair want straight, straight haired women get perms. Now I'm in a place where women with long, gorgeous dark hair, skin, and eyes don't play up these assets but seem to be on a mission to make themselves ugly. Bad blond dye jobs, thick red streaks, tattoos on their necks. Why can't they embrace what is beautiful about themselves and realize there are women that envy them? Put on some deep red lipstick, brush that luscious hair out long and shiny, walk tall and proud and know they are unique and wonderful for who they are not because they're the only woman at the ballpark with neon blue streaks in their hair.

West of Weatherford

There's a rule in north Georgia: Don't go south of Macon. I have a new one: Don't go west of Weatherford. West Texas and New Mexico are places I don't intend to visit again. They are empty. I anticipated the flatness being a problem. I knew that seeing long distances could set off anxiety. I thought I was prepared, but I had no concept of the endless stretches of empty, and the emptier it got the uglier it appeared to my southern eyes. I need a place where there are trees, and people, and it's not over 25 miles to the next restroom. It will be good to get out of here. I'm going home.

Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby?

Either Merv genuinely cares for me or I'm in a state of denial that makes Brick's denial look insignificant and me like a total idiot for recognizing his denial and being completely unwilling to face mine for years.

So should I be locked into a room with He's Just Not That Into You being read to me non-stop till I get a clue?

It's so easy to see it when other people are being blind to the behavior of people they love. This thing with the woman with three babies by three fathers that married none of them and actually thought the married father of Baby Three was going to choose her and protect her and their baby only to be disappointed and crushed when, surprise!, he chose his wife is just one more example of me seeing it clearly when it's everyone but me. It was easy for me, and almost everyone else, to realize that if he was serious about her, their baby, and how much he 'loved' her he would have left when she got pregnant. If a man doesn't leave for his pregnant girlfriend, he's not going.

And it's not even that I want Merv to leave. I honestly don't want him to abandon his commitments. I know that there's no question of him ever choosing me over..... I just want him to want more from me than we have now. But, getting back to the He's Not That Into You, if I were looking at anyone else I would say 'If you mattered to him at all, he would have made more happen by now.' Instead, I make excuses, say he's the world's worst procrastinator, and look at all the delays and roadblocks I've thrown in the way.

But I can't even imagine going on a Revenge Rampage the way the mother of three is going right now. So far she's sicced four government agencies on the guy and it's only been one day. Amazingly, when told about the situation, Merv was sympathetic to her. I'm feeling for the man who now has the IRS after his butt.

600 Miles is a Long Drive Inside a Car

So, a couple hundred miles is still a tough concept for me at the best of times much less a couple of months after surgery when I'm having the worst panic I've had in years. But I'm actually crazy enough to consider trying to sneak out, drive 600 miles by myself, attempt to fool not only Brick, who doesn't look too closely, but Big Mama, and my own child to try to hook up and have hot monkey sex with Merv when my body looks the worst that it ever has and hasn't even been cleared for any sex much less mindblowing monkey sex.

But I want to see him so bad. And when am I going to be this close again? I want to see that town at this point. I always have but now it's gotten to be an obsession. Even if I can't see Merv, I want to see that place.

But if I did go alone and there I was, available to him, and he still didn't come through, how would we ever recover? If I drove 1500 miles to be with him and he couldn't take the time to see me.....it would be done.

Doomed to Repeat

What can you say when you see your grown children repeating the same things that haven't worked in your own life? The other night, my daughter was telling me that she just wasn't ready to walk away from the boyfriend that has lied to her about important issues over and over. What was I supposed to say to that? If anyone should be able to understand not being ready to walk away from someone who isn't good for you, it's me.

I see the kids acting like me, I see them acting like Brick. Sometimes they're copying the good things but all too often it's the bad.