Who's Zooming Who?

So I've been taking great pleasure in jerking Merv's chain. And I was stunned that it got a response. Either he's jerking mine right back or he actually opened up and talked about, Gasp!, feelings and desires. Which leaves me where?

He's still there. I'm still here. There's no sign of anything ever changing. If I want someone in my life I still have to move on unless I'm willing to endlessly yearn for what I want and can't have and to use people I can have as temporary sops against loneliness. I'm not willing to do that. It's not fair to anyone I attempt to start a relationship with if I'm unwilling to let go of him.

It was stunning to realize how much of his actions and choices are motivated by guilt. I guess it hurts less to see him as scared and hurting and just as lonely, if not more so, than I instead of evil and manipulative. Ok, in some ways it hurts more. Sadness hurts more than anger.

And as much as I'd like things to work out with Brick, that's never going to change for more than a day or two at a time. It's always nice to imagine it happening and always painful when I realize it won't.