The Big Talk

We actually had it. Merv didn't avoid it. He brought up the topic of testing. Will it change anything? Who knows.

As I admitted to him, constantly testing people around me is not a good or healthy way to conduct relationships but it's one habit that no amount of therapy has been able to break.

I grew up in a house and then went straight into a marriage where no one ever tells the truth. If I asked Brick 'Are you angry?' he would answer 'No, of course not.' even as his hands were around my throat slamming my head into the floor.

In my life, the only way to stay safe is to interpret the unspoken, read the signals, never believe the words that are said but instead believe the eyes, the red face, the clenched teeth. Or, with Merv, the unkept promise, the unmade call, the unlived life.

Tests are ginger steps on ice that may not hold my weight.