Fronting

Watching a remake of Can't Buy Me Love I was struck by one truth in an at times painful movie, people front to be popular, to be accepted.

When you talk to kinky people who have reached a mature age there's a common thread. They are still married to the person they married when they were young and that person is straight. And no matter how much the kinky partner yearns for sexual freedom I think they're also terrified of it because they hold onto that straight person/marriage and won't even consider letting go. It's as if the vanilla spouse is the monitor on behavior. You can never get too out of control, you can never go too far, being a 'deviant' can't take over your life because.... you're married.

On the other hand, there's this golden band that reminds me of the one who would not understand. On the one hand I could stay and be your loving man, but the reason why I don't is on the other hand.

In the Gay community there's a lot of talk about beards and merkins, people who obscure the sexuality of their partners either knowingly or unknowingly to safeguard them from public condemnation and career consequences. What is a Vanilla spouse but a beard? Almost always unknowingly. The kinky partner can barely admit their desires to themselves.

A cross dresser I know was discovered by his wife. She tried to talk about it, understand it, accommodate it. His shame was so deep he couldn't even discuss it with her. There was no way he could view this as a blessing. His partner knew his deep, dark secret and it wasn't the end of the world but he still couldn't share that part of himself with her.

Maybe kinky people don't want to be able to share themselves with their Vanilla spouses? Maybe they need them to be straight. Maybe that's why they rushed into marriage with them in the first place? To be saved from themselves.