So NOW You Tell Me!

So the window is slamming shut fast and now Merv starts to open up. Today, without my asking, he told me the truth about his life, his day, why he was unavailable all afternoon. He shared fear, and pain, and worry, and information.

It's not all about me. It has almost nothing to do with me.

What I have interpreted as he doesn't care, I don't matter, he's playing games is actually he's completely overwhelmed and dealing with more than any one person could deal with and I'm the one that gets lost. As I should be.

When you have a desperately ill, hurting wife and a girlfriend that's feeling unappreciated, the girlfriend needs to hush.

It doesn't really change anything. I'm not going to rearrange my life to be at his beck and call. If and when he's ever ready to see if this can go anywhere, he knows where I am. I may be available but it won't be because I've been waiting.

It does make it so much easier to be his Friend.

I realized tonight that all these years he has always taken care of everyone else and not himself. He even takes care of me. I've always known that but it's the first thing I lose sight of when I'm hurt.

Evidently the reason he lets go of me is because I'm good for him. I'm what he does when he takes the time to be 'selfish'.

Which raises the question: if this all ended tomorrow, and he did want to try, would he be able to let someone love and care for him? Is it something he would be able to learn how to do at this point? Or is it too ingrained? Will it always be that the better I treat him the more he has to deny himself me?

And doesn't this all sound incredibly egotistical? Maybe this is what a manic episode looks like? Grandiosity.

Not really.

I don't think I'm grand. I'm not beautiful. I'm not young. I'm not accomplished. But I am good at loving him.