Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I realize I shouldn't pay any attention to whatever it is Brick does for companionship. After all, I certainly wouldn't want him violating my privacy, but I always worry that he's doing something that's going to get him on the front page of the local paper.

I have seen so many wives, especially in his profession, do things to cover their husbands' asses that other women can't believe. The one that shocks most people is the wife that comforted her husband's fiance at his funeral. That one I could do. There's the one that beat the tar out of his women and the only reason he got caught is because he called the cops and wanted one arrested after he beat her into unconciousness. The one that shoots at his women (always to miss!) was just given a person of the year award. I won't be like the one who just testified for her husband at his child molestation trial. That's taking the loyal wife routine to an extreme where I'm not willing to go.

I honestly don't think I care anymore on a personal level. It stopped mattering to me a long time ago. I do worry that I enable something horrible by my indifference. At least he's not burying women in the backyard. I'd notice if he did that much work around the house.

So, occasionally, I snoop. I don't look too deeply. Just take a glance and see that he's hiding something. I could get the super secret snoop gear and probably find out exactly what. I'm not sure why I don't. Maybe it's because it's too big of a betrayal, maybe I'm afraid of opening Pandora's Box, maybe I'm just not ready to deal with whatever it is, maybe all that and more.

Married but Dating

I can't be the only woman in my position. I have had permission to sleep with other people for the last 20 years of my marriage. In fact, my husband prefers it that way.

I watched 'Oprah' today (I know, what was I thinking?) and the show was full of women who want little or no sex with their husbands (and this is what they were admitting on national television). These same women, I'm willing to bet, would be hurt, horrified, and stunned if they found out their husbands were having sex with someone else.

Why does the American culture insist on monogamy when, from what I can tell, it doesn't work? And the less it works, the more hysterical the assertion becomes that it's the one true way to live. Polygamy and concubinage flourish all over the planet. I'm not saying they're perfect systems but ours isn't either.

All you have to do is look and you'll see Married but Looking, AdultFriendFinder, and hundreds of other outlets for people looking to hook up. (Place to insert shocked gasps of 'Not my husband!!')

Maybe if we were all more honest with one another we could build lives on sturdier foundations than fairy tales of fidelity and happy ever after.

Living with a Lion

When I was younger, I needed to get away from a bad situation. I didn't know how to set limits or boundaries with people that were toxic for me. Obviously, this is a skill I still haven't learned.

Anyway, to handle my toxic people, I went out and got myself a Lion. He was a good Lion, He made all the bad people go away. He kept anyone and everyone but himself from ever hurting me again.

That's the trouble with Lions. No matter how tame they appear, they will kill you.

And if you try to tell someone outside of the den, they look at you like you're crazy. 'Why, he's a pussy cat' they'll say.

I Swear I Recognize Your Breath

It's hard when, your stuck upon the shelf

I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate

Perhaps that's what no one wants to see

I just want to scream...hello...

My god its been so long, never dreamed you'd return

But now here you are, and here I am

So here we are. Okay, maybe I should be a much stronger person. Maybe, oh hell, probably, I should be ruthless and harsh and refuse to even acknowledge your existence. But I missed you. You are the person who makes me smile. And I may be ready to skewer you before the next seven days pass, but for right now I feel happy, and relaxed, and at peace with whatever this is.

So I'll keep a good thought. I'll hope this time you'll let me in.

You Go Back, Jack

Do It Again?

Last week of Tax Season and, of course, Merv is missing.

At this point, I've gotten through the worst of it. The constant ache missing him part. Come Monday, he'll be back. Ready to take up where things left off months ago.

If I thought anything would change, that it wouldn't be just as bad or worse next year, I'd do it again. But things aren't going to change. He's not going to let me in his life any more than he has.

And I still feel that it's just words with him. He'll say what he needs to say to cajole me, ease me, get what he wants but his actions will continue to be gotta call, gotta go, I'll get to it later.

'Your' Song

I always told my kids there are three sides to every story; your side, the other guy's side, and the truth, which is somewhere between the two. The Rashomen Effect.

As I was reading through the multi-chapter memoir of a friend's relationship recently I was stunned at their view of his life. Their view didn't match the story I'd heard from the woman he was involved with. It was completely different from my view as an outsider.

Part of me was amused at the thought of getting his wife, his longtime lover, his longtime female 'best friend', and his female therapist in a room together for a few hours to compare notes on our views and experiences of him and each other without going through his filters and interpretations. Men would never survive if all the women in their lives stopped competing with one another and instead worked together.

But there was a deeper thought. I guess what I always told the kids about truth holds true for relationships too. My story of my life with Brick, or Merv, is probably radically different from either of theirs.

Part of me wishes I could hear their stories, their songs, clearly and uncensored. Not all the time, but occasionally, just to check and see if we're not just on the same page but in the same book.

Southerners and Soda

Growing up in the south, I never developed a taste for wine. I did, however, develop an appreciation of soda pop that can reach the level of obsession.

I don't want a wine cellar. I want an unlimited supply of regional varietals like SunDrop, Cheerwine, IBC, and Nehi.

As the major companies come out with a wider variety of choices; Coke with Lime, Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, smaller independents are pushed farther off the shelves of most stores. I like the new options but I miss the old days and the old tastes that remind me of youth and childhood memories.

Drama, Drama, Drama

There are reasons to avoid Drama Queens. The ones I know are not happy unless they drag everyone else into the chaos with them. You work hard to keep your own life orderly, controlled, and rational and you end up losing sleep and developing nervous tics over someone else's garbage.

No matter how hard you try to fix things for them it's not going to work. They don't want the problems to be fixed. They thrive on the craziness. And when you can't magically make everything all better, with absolutely no cooperation from them, it becomes 'Your fault'. They didn't create the mess. They didn't screw up their lives. You did.

I have no patience for this. I am not a person who deals with emotional blackmail and statements that imply 'Do what I want or you're not my friend anymore' well.

Fool for Love

How do you know if someone is sincere or if you want them to be so you'll believe anything they say?

I'd prefer a resort

I just got the bill for my recent hospital stay. If I was going to 'spend' that much money (thank goodness for my HMO!) I can think of things I'd have rather done. Twenty-five thousand (and counting) for two days!

Hmmm. I'd have preferred a tummy tuck and refurbished tits if we had to stay in the medical area. If I could have spent it anywhere, a tropical beach would have been nice with some fabulous food and a lot of shopping. Somehow Manolos don't seem so extravagent when 2 antacid tablets 'cost' $48.

How do people without health insurance manage? How do people with cost share manage? Twenty percent of this would be $5,000 and all the bills aren't in yet! I feel like battling the hospital line-by-line.

The One Up

Have you ever had a friend where no matter what happens to you, it's all about them? Have the worst catastrophe you can imagine and somehow their life is always worse. Tell them you have Stage 4 cancer and they respond 'Oh? That's too bad. But did I tell you how I have a miserable headache?'

It's always the same problems constantly, repeatedly, and they never attempt anything you suggest to make it better. Have a job you've hated for six years? Make a resume! Put in a job application somewhere! Anywhere!

Are you in a bad relationship? Don't get in a no-win phone fight at the start of the business day.

And a little bit of whining goes a long way. Which is why I'm going to stop now.