Trapped in the Closet

"The Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt"Do what!?

Ok, I never even listened to R. Kelly but I'm totally hooked on the whole Trapped in the Closet thing. It's probably the most dramatic thing going on this summer, entertainment-wise anyway. I want to know what's going to happen when the guy stops looking behind shower curtains and under beds, who's coming up the stairs, what happens next. Head scratching with your gun? Smoking Traffic Officers? Could he have at least showered between women? Leg cramps? Does this guy pull out his gun for everything?

Other than that, TV sucks this summer. The latest batch of reality shows is too cheesy to be good, except for Hell's Kitchen which is good and cheesy.

Soaps just keep getting worse. Only AMC is still watchable and if someone doesn't tell Greenlee what a controlling bitch she is and that she caused a lot of her own problems pretty soon I'm unTIVOing it.

The news seems to be the same ole and even late night TV is in repeats.

and I'm stalling to avoid my homework....

Cock Tease

Being a cock tease is not necessarily a bad thing.

If done well, it can be fabulous.

Cowboy Up

After all these years, Merv still surprises me.

He made cowboy boots?! He wears cowboy boots! He has a cowboy hat!

What's really sad is that, as we talked about the past, I realized I'd have found him irresistible if I met him years before. In my wilder, younger, more reckless days I'd have tried my best to club him and drag him home and, back then, I'd have done everything to keep him. It would have been nice to have a child that had a Father like him. It would have been nice for my kids to grow up around a man like him.

But....paths cross too late, too many committments have been made, we're too...trapped?

Sometimes I hope we outlast, that we live long enough. Then I wonder if we actually get to that point, what if we can't stand each other 24/7 ? Then I reason the odds of 2 middle-aged smokers lasting much longer and figure one or both of us could go any second.

But even with my cynicism, and walls, and sarcasm, and guardedness, nights like tonight..... he makes a horrible day good just because I can share it with him. He shares a part of himself that I never knew and it makes me realize everything about him that's been real, as opposed to my own fears, walls, and guardedness, has been what I want.

Brick's Bon Mots

From the last four days:

"How stupid can you be?"

"Do you know what brakes are for?"

"It's not the time it takes you to get someplace but the time it takes to stop if a child runs out in front of you?"

"You're so paranoid. The whole world's out to get Maggie!"

"Have you taken your medication cause you sure are acting like you didn't."

"Fine! I'll just eat meatloaf Again!!"

Throw in assorted eye rolls, condescending looks, deliberate provacations, sneers, and 'What were you thinking?'s and there you have life with Brick......when I'm being paranoid and imagining he's in a 'mood'.

The Best of You

I’ve got another confession to make

I’m your fool

Everyone’s got their chains to break

Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn’t have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can’t choose

I swear I’ll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

A Big Puddle of Drool

1. I will not drool over my teacher!
2. I will remember I have a bunch more classes and he's the person I have to take them with!
3. I will learn what boundaries are and observe them!
4. I will learn that I don't have to nail every guy I find attractive.(not that he's interested)

He would make it a lot easier if he would stop with semi-obscure historical references and funny stories. I wouldn't go so far as to wish he were a bad teacher but I'm enjoying his classes way too much. I hope he has ethics and standards cause I obviously don't.

Keep the Raise....PLEASE?!

The math on the new raise.....

Increase in pay: 3%

Increase in cost of Insurance: 7%

Increase in costshare of prescription drugs (namebrand and generic): 50%

Increase in copay for office visits: 150%

Please, no raise next year. We can't afford it.

Lurleen...I Mean Hillary

So I see yet another article about how Hillary Clinton is shockingly conservative.

Does this woman have no core values?

Not that I'm that big on values, especially not the ones put on display for political consumption, but shouldn't something matter to officeholders other than their own naked ambition?

I don't care if their marriage is a sham, a political convenience only for their mutual benefit. God knows people have stayed married for less.

I don't care who sleeps with who. I think Bill Clinton treats his women like trash and wonder why anyone would want him, but other than that, he can get blow jobs in the middle of Main Street and I don't care. (it would be nice if he could at least try to refrain from calling the giver of said blow job a Nut and a Slut the minute after he...blows)

But it offends me that she will sacrifice anything for her own advancement: children, defense issues, women, abortion rights. Learning and maturing and changing your mind is one thing. Jettisoning anything that's out of fashion because it might keep you from your goal is something else entirely.

And, most of all, it's just sad that the first woman President of the United States may be nothing but a modern version of Lurleen Wallace.

Was it THAT bad?

Having seen the EMMY nominations, was TV that bad last year?

Everyone Loves Raymond, Will and Grace, The West Wing.

How about something new, fresh, different?

A nod to Rescue Me would be a good start.

And to whoever makes these decisions, never let Jamie Gertz announce anything again (El-vus!) and what the heck happened to her chest? Poor Michael Imperioli.

Grace of my Heart

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength’cause I’m weak in his wake

And if I’m strong I might still break

And I don’t have anything to share

That I won’t throw away into the air

That song is sung out

This bell is rung out

he was the light that I’d bless

he took my last chance at happiness

So God give me strength, God give me strength

I can’t hold onto him,

God give me strengthWhen the phone doesn’t ring

And I’m lost in imagining

Everything that kind of love is worth

As I tumble back down to the earth

God if he’d grant me his indulgence and decline

I might as well wipe him from my memory

Fracture the spell as he becomes my enemy

Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt

See, I’m only human, I want him to hurt

I want him

I want him to hurt

Since I lost the power to pretend

That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out

This bell is rung out

he was the light that I’d bless

he took my last chance at happiness

So God give me strength, God give me strength

Calendar Girl

Flipping through the calendar, marking dates to the end of the year, I run across the notation "It will not change. DO NOT spend XMas with him"

I had forgotten about that.

That was put in there when it was a new calendar after Brick's annual Christmas meltdown to make sure I didn't get lulled back in. It's July, and I was lulled.

So, do I follow my own advice and get a room over the holidays or do I wait, watch, and see if he fulfills my prophesy?

It's the good days and the wanting it to stay that way that keep me stuck in bad relationships. I often wish it were unremittingly awful. Then it would be easy.

I Treat Her GOOD!

I don't know what it is with some guys. I have seen guys who are serial cheaters, who are physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive, and who openly tell their buddies how miserable they are, but you mention to them that maybe, just maybe their wife doesn't think they're Prince Charming either they will sputter, bluster and loudly assert 'I treat her good! She wouldn't know what to do without me.'

It's like they've heard somewhere that it's important in being a man that they be someone their wives need and can rely on but they have not a clue what they need them for or how to give it to them. They just want to believe, and have others believe, that they're hugely successful at it the way they'd love to have everyone think they have an 8" dick.

I have no idea how to get a MM to admit that maybe he'd be doing his wife a favor if he told her he wanted out. I can't even get my own husband to admit that one. I often have visions of him with a GF telling her "My poor wife wouldn't know what to do without me' leaving out the part about how I might not know but I wouldn't mind the opportunity to find out.

But to be fair, I would miss Brick, I wouldn't know what to do without him even if it would be much better for me. The thing is, I think they wouldn't know what to do without us either.

When MM tell their girlfriends they can't leave their wives maybe it's the guys who would be devastated, wouldn't know how to live without them, can't imagine life without them. Even when the life they have is not the one they think they want.

Honor Among Thieves

It's always disappointing when you allow yourself to trust someone and you're let down.

Recently, I let myself be open with a woman I've known casually for many years. I found out she had a lot of similar interests and decided it would be worth trying to have someone to confide in. So I shared some things. Nothing it would destroy me if she proved untrustworthy but nothing I'd want to tell all of our mutual acquaintances either. And after her many assurances of her ability to keep her mouth shut, she went and told everything complete with forwarded copies of conversations.

I'm so disappointed in her. I'm disappointed my belief that you can trust no one has once again been illustrated to be not completely paranoid.

Does anyone ever find the person that will have their back through everything? Someone who believes their word is worth something? Someone who makes a vow and keeps it?

The reason I never promised monogamy and fidelity is because, even at a young age, I had a pretty good idea that was a promise I wouldn't be able to keep. I've never asked for that vow from anyone else because I never thought they'd keep it either. I won't ask the impossible but darnit if you say you're going to do something, do it!

Who's Zooming Who?

So I've been taking great pleasure in jerking Merv's chain. And I was stunned that it got a response. Either he's jerking mine right back or he actually opened up and talked about, Gasp!, feelings and desires. Which leaves me where?

He's still there. I'm still here. There's no sign of anything ever changing. If I want someone in my life I still have to move on unless I'm willing to endlessly yearn for what I want and can't have and to use people I can have as temporary sops against loneliness. I'm not willing to do that. It's not fair to anyone I attempt to start a relationship with if I'm unwilling to let go of him.

It was stunning to realize how much of his actions and choices are motivated by guilt. I guess it hurts less to see him as scared and hurting and just as lonely, if not more so, than I instead of evil and manipulative. Ok, in some ways it hurts more. Sadness hurts more than anger.

And as much as I'd like things to work out with Brick, that's never going to change for more than a day or two at a time. It's always nice to imagine it happening and always painful when I realize it won't.

First Kisses

As one gets older a person forgets things. Things like learning how to walk and talk. What it felt like the first time you went to a movie as a young child and saw pictures on the big screen in a dark room full of strangers. The first taste of the food that would become your very favorite.

After being with one person for a long time, a person forgets what a first kiss feels like. You remember that it was special. Some first kisses you may remember in detail. The way you turned your head. The way your partner turned theirs. You may remember endless yearning for the kiss, the excitement you felt as you saw his head bend towards yours and you thought ‘Yes? Now? Maybe? Will he?’

First kisses. The way you feel when you see someone and you know you want to kiss them and hope they want to kiss you. The joy and relief you feel after their lips touch yours for the first time and it’s good and you hope they feel the same way. And you want more.

Dancing in the Dark

I got a comment?

I really thought no one had ever read this. It made it easier to be a lot more honest than I probably should be.