Katrina and the Waves

I've been watching the coverage over the last couple of days. Having lived at the coast for 10+ years, I've ridden through a few but nothing like this. Still, after hearing of people getting 90 miles in 9 hours, I know, if I ever lived in an area like that again, I wouldn't evac out.

I don't care about protecting my home, what can I stop the storm from doing? Guarding against looters? Anything I'd leave behind, they're welcome to. Getting back as soon as possible? I want to rush back to wade through sewage, without power and fresh water? I'll just wait at a La Quinta a safe distance away, thank you very much.

The reason I wouldn't want to evac is that 9 hours to go 90 miles. I'd rather be in my home with four walls than stranded on a highway in the middle of nowhere.

But for me the best solution is: don't live at the coast. It's a nice place to visit.

Nailing Jello to the Wall

Zach is coming home in a few days and I've been trying to get the house ready. Since I moved out of Brick's bedroom nine months ago he has not dusted or vacuumed. And I have to move back in there.

Zach mentioned he was coming months ago and that he'd be staying for 30 days. I told Brick I didn't think it was right that I have to clean months of his dirt and that he needed to take care of it and the boxes of his things that were piled up waiting for him to sort through and organize.

I broke down a few days ago and hosed the room down because it was obvious he wasn't going to and I have asked him each day since to please sort through the boxes because we were going to steam clean the carpets tonight. He didn't.

So now I'm waiting for him to get back from work, the carpets have been cleaned, and all of his boxes are piled up on his bed. The explosion is probably going to be world class.

I would just break down and sort through them and throw away the garbage myself but that would also cause an explosion. There's an explosion coming and the only way I could possibly avoid it would be if I moved into a room that has not been cleaned in nine months and I couldn't stand the smell for 5 minutes. No way could I tolerate it for 30 days.

Why can't we just have our son come home for a visit and it be a pleasant thing? Why does Brick insist on making things so difficult?

Kibbles and Bits

I hate it when I love a book and then I read the prequel (Little Altars Everywhere), sequel (Snowy), or epilogue (Sweet Hush), and they're so bad they taint the joy of the original book.

I wish Florence King wrote more.

I wish Christopher Hitchens would sober up.

I wish Brittney Spears had better taste in men (Ok, I wish Brittney Spears had better taste, period.).

I miss Best Week Ever.

I wish I didn't have to wait for other people to get my own work finished.

Sometimes a Man Has to Choose

....and what a difficult choice this one is.....

"Sometimes a man has to choose

And do something he doesn't wanna do

Do I live my life with you as my wife

Or do I go on and pursue my lifetime dream

I gotta do this for me

Cuz if I don't I'll probably regret it

But if I do I'll probably regret it

How do I cope

How do you cope when

The one you love is with somebody else

And there's nothing you could do about it

How do I deal with

The fact that you had a chance

But you chose to turn away for your career

I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'

It's something that I had to do

But nobody said that it would hurt so bad

So how do I live...how do I deal without you

It's killing me to know

That your heart's with me

But you're with him cause I chose

To be in this industry

Money, shows, and hoes come along with luxury and pain

Is all you see when you think about it

But this is the life that I was given

So I have to live it to the fullest

But how do I deal in the meantime without you"

Because after all, it's impossible to have a career and a wife. BTW Frankie, it's not the life you were given, it's the life you chose. You don't have to take it, cope, whatever. You just need to take responsibility for doing exactly what you wanted to do. Enjoy the Hos.

Things Mama Should Have Told You

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you,nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man.

Find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are the same.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own friends separate from his.

If something bothers you, speak up.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't ever make him feel he is more important than you are... so what if he has more education or makes more money than you.

Never let a man define who you are..

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the only one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you...a relationship consists of two whole individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him on your radar but get to know others.

Three and one in front

It's been a bad month for my small town. It's been a bad month for friends.

We have a friend, a young man who has already been to Iraq twice, is a good cop, married to a sweet girl, they have a beautiful son, and he's lost three friends this month. They buried a young man today who was walking in front of this man's brother-in-law when he stepped on a mine and was killed.

They're burying young boys and men all over this state and eventually it's not going to be a friend's friend, it'll be one of mine.

Kids, Cell Phones, and Dads

Coming home from school today where I had a killer test in Family Law covering Divorce, Child Custody, Support, etc. the radio station has a chat segment about when is a good time to get your kids a cell phone and why.

The first calls were pretty standard...kids have sports and other activities and for safety and transportation they can be a good thing to have...and then this woman called up.

In one of the most hateful voices I've ever heard she complained bitterly about how her 10-year old had a cell phone and it was usually a good thing except when he talked to his Father when they were on a 'Family vacation'. She repeatedly said he didn't need to be talking to 'him' because this was 'family time', this was time he was spending with his 'family, it was a 'family vacation', a 'family trip' and he had no business talking to his father when he was supposed to be spending time with his family.

Even the radio people were sputtering in surprise and, from the divorced father on the team, anger.

When did fathers stop being a part of a child's family?

Maybe I would have laughed it off if I hadn't spent the last couple of days reading about fathers losing custody and visitation because they were falsely accused of molestation and the investigation of the false charges had caused so much damage that it was 'in the best interests of the child' for the father to be excluded from it's life. Or about a mother who admitted hiding children for 5+ years for no reason other than spite, telling the children the entire time that the reason they didn't see their father wasn't because he had no idea where they were but because he didn't care about them. The court's response to that was not to put the children with the father but to say 'Bad Mommy, don't do that anymore'

Lord knows I don't want things to go back to the way they were when women had no rights to their children (or anything else) but when will the phrase 'in the best interest of the child' actually be followed? Will this system ever care more about who is the better parent than custom and the way things are done?

Ain't No Way

Ain't no way for me to love you

If you won't let me

It ain't no way for me to give you all ya need

If you won't let me give all of me

I know that a woman's duty

Is to help and love the man

And that's the way it was for me

Oh but how can I, how can I, how can I, give ya

Give ya all the things I can

If you're tying both of my hands

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Might as well...

Since BBF seems to be filling my role of adoring these days I've decided to take on a more 'wifely' position and try to get Merv to go to the doctor. He hasn't been in years and now he has a medical problem, could be serious/could be nothing, and he's been putting off getting it looked at for months.

Tonight he told me the fall was going to be too busy. This is after he told me that the summer was too busy, he'd take care of it when fall got here. This is after he told me he noticed it before last Tax Season but was too busy to go then. If he doesn't go in the fall it will then be Tax Season again and he'll put it off to May at the earliest.

Why is no one else looking out for him? Does he take care of everyone and no one takes care of him? If he were poor-mouthing and saying "Oh poor, pitiful me" I wouldn't buy it for a second but he doesn't even seem to realize that he (and everyone else?) puts what he would enjoy/what he needs last.

If it were Brick I'd have whipped out the Doctor's Guide months ago, set up an appointment, and told him what day to be there. I can't do that for Merv but I can ask, I can not let him play the next season game, I can tell him how much him staying healthy matters to me. Why is no one with the ability to accomplish more doing it?

"Someone ought to shoot the bitch"

I was in class today and the subject of Cindy Sheehan came up. Behind me I hear one of my classmates, a sweet young girl in her early twenties, say bitterly 'Someone ought to shoot the bitch."

Well....

I was stunned speechless (something that rarely happens). I sat there looking at her, trying to think of what to say when the young girl who sits in front of me added "Yes. Someone should."

"So, I guess y'all aren't fans?" and I got 10 minutes of pain and anger and one girl talking about her husband coming home on leave from Iraq only to see that and the first girl talking about friends that are over there.

I remember the 60s and 70s. I don't see how people opposed to the war can keep saying they think the war is illegal and immoral much longer and still say they support the troops. How can you support someone doing something 'illegal and immoral'? At some point the American public, on both sides, is going to have to recognize that this is the equivalent of "I had nothing personal against the Jews. I was just following orders." Nuremberg told us all that was not a valid excuse. You can't commit war crimes just because you're ordered too and participating in an illegal war is a war crime.

So, the Army's worst case scenario comes true and there is a large troop strength there for 4 more years...people on the extreme left are already referring to the troops as babykillers and war criminals, it can only spread, this will rip this country apart, and 'losing' this clusterf%ck is just begging for a repeat of the malaise of the 70s without the good stuff like the indiscriminate sex and pot smoking.

And here I am...I don't know if the war is right or wrong. I don't much care. I care about the soldiers, airmen, and marines. My son, my friends' sons, my children's classmates, that girl's husband, and, thanks to the Reserve poilcy, people my age who should be home raising their teenagers, working their jobs, guarding the nation, and getting greyer from ordinary living. Instead, they're all in a godforsaken desert and who knows when or if they're coming home.

This mess is bad for the military and the individuals that make up the military. It's bad for the Warriors. They deserved better than they're getting from their Commander-in-Chief. They should have never been sent in inadequately prepared. This wasn't an emergency. There was time available to plan it properly and the DoD screwed up.

So, do I stand in that ditch? No, because my son would be shamed. I stay home and pray I'm wrong and pray I'm not watching history repeat itself and pray we all make it through to the other side without too many scars.

Beth's Best Friend

I've always been able to see it when a woman is interested in a man. Especially when it's 'my' man. Maybe it comes from being raised by an insanely jealous harpy. The jealous part certainly didn't stick (ok, the insanely part anyway) but I guess I picked up the ability to just 'know'. This is pretty disconcerting to the men I've loved. I've often realized before they do that someone is attracted to them and that they are attracted to someone other than me. And now there's Beth's best friend. And she wants Merv.

Does he want her? Yea, at least a little bit. Ironically, she kind of reminds me of me. And I'm here, and she's there, and don't men always enjoy being around women who think they're wonderful? And she's there. Oh is she ever there. In and out of their house, 'Sweetie, I can't go to this function with Merv tonight. Why don't you go and keep him company?' there.

Which raises the question "What is Beth thinking?' Does she not see the same kind of signals I see? Does she think he's so trustworthy (oh yea, right!) it doesn't occur to her to even worry? Or does she realize how alone he's been since she got sick and she trusts this woman to not take things too far?

The most interesting thing about this has been Merv's reaction when I told him how I felt. He didn't tell me I was crazy, paranoid, insane, imagining things like Brick always has. We just talk about it as situations arise and he seems to be being honest (who knows?). And I try to be his friend and not the woman who is starting to understand what jealousy feels like.

Strength through Submission

I think I finally figured out why being submissive is so appealing to me. I hate weakness. I hate being weak. And to me, submission is being strong. Whatever you can throw at me, I can survive. You can beat me but I won't be beaten.

Gramps' marriage to 'other' woman troubles his family

By Abigail Van Buren

Dear Abby: I have what I consider to be a moral dilemma. My husband's grandfather, "John," is going to marry his "girlfriend" of more than 30 years this fall. I was very close to John's wife, "Doris," who died in November of last year.

Although John has done much for our families and we would like to support him in these, his later years, I have no respect for a woman who waits in the wings for decades until her "boyfriend's" wife dies, and then expects to marry him.

My husband and I, and other family members, would rather not attend the wedding, or have "Vivian" in our homes -- let alone our lives. Your advice and opinion are greatly appreciated. What should I as an in-law do about this situation? -- Confused in L.A.

Dear Confused: For starters, try becoming less judgmental. Although I don't approve of the extramarital affair, John did not dump his wife for the other woman. Doris is dead, and as much as you loved her, nothing will bring her back. My advice is to swallow hard, remember all that John has done for your families, and give Vivian a fair chance. She may not be as bad as you think she is. Besides, if you punish your husband's grandfather for marrying his longtime "friend," you may wind up shooting yourselves in the collective foot.

The Last Word

In the last week I've seen two incidents where people needed to get the last word so badly that they lost all common sense.

In one, a man says he cares about a woman. He has extreme feelings about President Bush and the war in Iraq. He's protested it many times, he's protested the elections in 2000 and 2004 as being stolen, and he has an extensive email loop where he sends his political opinions and links to sites he agrees with to dozens of people. So, of course, he ends up dating a Republican whose son is currently serving in Iraq.

They fight about politics all the time even though she tells him she doesn't want to talk about it. He demands that she does, tells her she's ignorant for not allowing herself to be enlightened by him, and tells her that Cindy Sheehan is a good mother and she isn't because she doesn't hate 'Bushie and his lies'.

In the other incident a woman with terminal cancer makes the radical statement that she thinks there's wrong on both sides of the Gaza situation and hopes that all the horrible things that have happened this week will bring about peace, that some good can come out of it. For this she is accused of anti-semitism, hating Israel, and being offensive. The ringleader in these attacks is well aware of her medical condition. Instead of saying 'Man, I was out of line' or 'Maybe the person I've called a friend for years misspoke because of the morphine drip' she continues on.

When did it become acceptable to try to verbally destroy people over a political disagreement? Not policy makers, not people whose opinions ultimately have an impact, just ordinary people.

I'd Date that Guy

One of the most disheartening things that's been happening to me lately is I'll catch a glimpse of a guy in a paper or on the TV and think 'I'd date that guy' and give him a second look and then I discover he's an accused serial killer or something.

Since my taste runs towards the ordinary (not into things like prison tattoos) I guess it shows you never know about the guy next door. The neighbor. They're always quiet, keep to themselves....maybe that should be considered a clue?

I console myself with the realization that a felony record is a definite deal-breaker. Once I find out about the convictions and all the attraction is over. Not going to be writing anyone in prison letters. But how do you trust anyone when evil looks so normal?

Over and Over Again

The first sure sign is the email, cross posted to every known addy, "Where are you when I need you... I feel like i'm in crisis again". This is not from a husband, lover, or best girlfriend. This is from the person who is rarely there when I need him but is always there, about every six months, when he's running his life in a ditch.

Since I've been down this road at least a half dozen times, and have decided I'm not taking this trip again, as soon as he popped up with sentence after sentence of the old rants I told him (again!) that his problems were beyond my ability to deal with and I thought he needed a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and treatment. He responds that 2 therapists have said they don't think he's bipolar so he doesn't need to do that. Since I know he lies to his therapists routinely and that they have seen him at most 10 hours a year and I've heard him go on for 10 hours a day, I'm not too impressed.

And I predicted what he would do "You're going to push things in your relationship until you've created a breakup, then you'll be devastated because you can't live without her, tell me how you can't sleep, can't stop crying, don't want to live anymore, and expect me to get her to forgive you."

Twenty-four hours later, right on schedule, there's been the breakup, he's 'devastated', and I'm insensitive because I don't feel his pain adequately and won't make an effort to fix it.

When he gets like this I don't think he hears anything that's said to him. He just spins faster and faster till he's done and everyone around him is exhausted and fed up and then he wonders why everyone doesn't forgive him and welcome him back with loving arms. He doesn't understand why his woman can't just get over it and why she gets further away from him. Btw, his excuse for these month-long tantrums is that he senses a distance between them. No kidding.

The 40-Year Old Virgin

There's a guy in class that I'm going to slip and call 'The 40-Year Old Virgin' any time now.

There's a secret about women. We decide in a split second whether a guy is do-able. Everything after that just depends on what stupid things they say or do to change our minds.

This guy is tall, slender build, attractive, a good head of hair and then..... he opens his mouth.

I would be willing to bet that he has never had sex without paying.

Shame, Shame, Shame

Atlanta should be ashamed because it passed a law making panhandling in the Tourist Triangle illegal? The outcry isn't because they didn't make it illegal all over town but because it 'keeps poor people from making a living'. When did begging, and roughing up people who don't hand it over, become 'making a living'? Next week, armed robbery becomes a 'career option'.

But it is a shame that it took sixty years for Georgia to pardon the only woman the state executed in the 20th century. Lena Baker, a black woman, killed a white man in self-defense. She got a one-day trial and a swift ticket to Old Sparky. Puts that whole Strom Thurmond 'love affair' with the underage black housemaid into perspective doesn't it?

And it's really a shame that I can't figure out how to put pics in this thing.

Flo the Amazing Whiner

Somehow I missed The Amazing Race bug until the Boston Rob and Ambuh race and I've been watching the replays on a cable channel. It's the last episode of the first race and I have no idea how it's going to turn out but I'm desperatly praying that somehow the finale includes Flo being throttled repeatly.

That is the whiniest girl I have ever seen in my life. She makes Zelda in the midst of a hormone storm look like Anne of Green Gables. Why that poor boy Zack did not gag her...I bet he was mentioned at the Nobel Peace Prize Committee that year.

As for the other finalists, I like the brothers even if they have no idea how to pronouce the name of anything Vietnamese and I like the married couple. I wouldn't mind Zack winning except that he's partnered with the whiner.

When I found out what a great show this was (6 seasons in?) I felt kind of bad that I'd missed the others. Now that has given me something to watch in this dreary summer and I'm glad I came to it late.

But if that girl whines one more time the TV may not survive the night.

Wild, Wild Night

Ok, I want to know what the heck the National Enquirer has on Matt LeBlanc. It's gotta be something really bad for him to have given the 'frank interview' and pictures straight out of the Drake Ramoray school of acting.

"People were trying to push drugs into my hand, in front of me, in my face....it was like I was being singled out or something. Almost set up."

Hmmmm.

If Brick came home with a story this lame...ok, he has more sense than to come home with a story this lame. Sometimes it's just best to shut up and quit digging. And Matt LeBlanc's hole just got a lot deeper.

Risky Business

I have an almost impossible time writing in public or writing things that others will read. I have literally sat in class with a have-to-write-it-in-the-room assignment and almost burst into tears. Ok, so I did have a few that leaked out.

This all started in my childhood (doesn't it with everyone?) My Mother taught at the same school I attended and would have a conniption fit if anything personal seeped into my English assignments. We had a lot of secrets at our house and there was a strict code of silence that was not to be breeched for any reason. A sentence like "Daddy works a lot." was enough to be in the doghouse for at least a week. I would be told I had humiliated her in front of her coworkers.

So why am I doing something this risky? Or is that why? Truth is, no matter how much I mask, change names and particulars, don't tell anyone about this thing, tell myself there are gazillions of blogs, what are the odds of someone I know running across mine and recognizing it as me, it could happen. They eventually found Joe Klein. And how difficult would it really be? How many southern women know who Joe Klein is, commonly use the word 'gazillion', and are overly fond of the words like 'semi', 'literally', and 'overly'? So, what do I do about it?

I could have never started this -- which would have been a continuation of the silence that has been crushing me since childhood. I could have continued writing my life on scraps of paper and immediatly destroying them -- also a continuation and allows no perspective. I could go through everything before I post and make it unrecognizable -- but then I would be unrecognizable to me, it would defeat the purpose of this thing, and it would be a continuation. So, it's either this or back to weekly therapy and after a couple of decades my insurance provider has lost patience with that method.

So I take the risk. Hope Brick and the kids don't look too close. Hope if anyone I know connects my dots they're kind enough to keep it to themselves and everytime I see one of those Blogger destroys their life and career stories, put my hands over my eyes and holler 'I'm not listening...I'm not listening!'

Life AfterThis

I wanna sleep with you forever

And I wanna die in your arms

In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

I'm gonna be here for you from now on

This you know somehow

You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now

And I'm gonna make you a promise

If there's life after this

I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm wet kiss

Mama in the Ditch

Mamas seem to be spending a lot of time in ditches these days. First, Beth Holloway Twitty has combed through every ditch in Aruba looking for a child probably gone forever now Cindy Sheehan has parked herself in a ditch because she thinks the President she calls 'George...the lying Bastard..the evil maniac' is going to meet with her, for a second time, so she can call him a murderer, and say 'Bullshit' to a President.

Two Mamas on missions. Both have effectively walked away from what's left of their families to do what they feel they need to do. Sheehan is acting against the express wishes of her husband, the boy's father, and another son who wants to join the military. Haven't heard much about how Beth Twitty's family feels but I would imagine they miss her.

I can understand a Mama's rage and need for answers. But sometimes there are no answers. There are no words that can comfort. There are no acceptable explainations.

That's a hard enough concept to accept over the small things. Evidently, when it involves the loss of a child, it's near impossible

You May be Done with the Past.....

Ever look at a picture of someone you know that was taken a long time ago? That snapshot of a moment in time. They're smiling, hopeful, optimistic, in love. They have no idea what's ahead of them and you do. You know what's going to happen to them over the next 50 years. You know what their deepest sorrows, biggest failures, and unsurmountable events will be. And they don't have a clue.

Alone Again, Naturally

It's Sunday and I'm alone. I'm not saying it like that's a bad thing. In fact, I've started to wonder if I could ever adjust to a 'normal' relationship after all these years.

Maybe it happened out of self-preservation but I've come to appreciate solitude. I enjoy spending time alone with no one to please but myself. If I want it to be quiet, it is. If I want to play music just under Call the Cops level, I can. I can scrub floors nekkid. Eat popcorn for dinner. I have hours at a stretch that belong only to me.

If I want to be around people, I know where to find them. And sometimes I do but I find myself getting anxious these days if my family is around for long stretches of time. I have become Garbo-esque. I vant to be alone.

Brilliant Disguise

Now you play the loving woman

I’ll play the faithful man

But just don’t look too close

into the palm of my hand

We stood at the alter

the gypsy swore our future was right

But come the wee wee hours

maybe baby

the gypsy lied

So when you look at me

you better look hard and look twice

Is that me baby or just a brilliant disguise

IKEA!!!

I made my first trip to IKEA.

That place is so much fun. I told Brick he may want to go and check it out since eventually everything in the house will probably come from there. They have EVERYthing.

One of the coolest parts is that they have displays of complete 'homes' of, for instance, 237 sq ft. They show how you can fit living, sleeping, kitchen, and bath in that small amount of room and it still be nice.

The store has everything from food to housewares to furniture to construction stuff. Merv said that Europeans look at it the same way we do a KMart or WalMart. I was pretty impressed with the first WalMart I saw too (clothes, housewares, and toothpaste at one stop!).

Anyway, I'm now munching on Swedish Toffee while gazing at flowers in my new vase, next to the Lazy Susan that has all my counter stuff organized.

I'll Stand by You

After all these years, Merv and I just had out first major disagreement about parenting and marriage.

He's telling me about a problem with his youngest and how the boy hollered at his mother, Beth. So, I asked, how did you handle that, figuring I'd hear him say how he stood up for his wife, told his son that was inappropriate, a stern 'You will not speak to your Mother that way", something like that. Instead I hear, "I stayed out of it. It's between them. She's a big girl."

WHAT?!!!! Excuse me?! What about a united front? Backing each other up? Co-parenting? Isn't that the main reason you've been keeping it together all these years?

So, he starts giving me all these reasons why he can't draw boundaries with this (20-year-old) kid. If the boy has problems, he needs boundaries, limits, and clearly defined rules more than the average kid (yes, I get the irony of me saying that).

I am so disappointed in him. I want to go shake him, give Beth a hug, and give the boy a talking to that will have his ears ringing for a month.

Even Brick, who talks to me the way he does, has never allowed our kids to speak to me disrespectfully.

Testing 1...2...3...

This week everything is a test.

First, actual tests. Two of them. In one day. Then assignments that are mind-boggling.

Then the men test. One free day, two possible guys, or skip it altogether. Someone new or a known (and kinky) person who doesn't do that much for me but has seen me naked before? I was very attracted to Alex but then he went out of town for a couple of weeks and now I'm wondering if it's worth the bother. The other option is spoiled, self-centered, not someone I'd ever be attracted to emotionally but a 'break glass in case of emergency' kind of thing and sometimes you have to recharge the fire extinguisher if you want it to work when you need it to.

Then the money test, spend it, save it, pay things on time, or, as usual, just ignore it all as long as possible?