The Definition of Insanity

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

What about hoping for a different result?

At what point should a person stop hoping things can change, get better, work out? The only real constant in life is change. Wait long enough and eventually everything changes.

So I hear people say they don't love their spouses anymore and I always think 'Do you have any idea how many times over the years I haven't loved Brick anymore?' At least once a year for 25+ years. And, somehow, so far, it's always come back, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, always more fearful.

So maybe I'm the personification of insanity or maybe everyone else quits too soon. Who knows?

Will this good spell last? Probably not. But I'm going to enjoy every second this time. And I'm going to try to keep the fear from sabotaging what's good.

Waiting for Big Daddy

A person I know has been going on a tear recently about how it's immoral for the Government to not provide medicine for the elderly and anyone that disagrees with her for any reason like logic or logistics is 'wrong' and 'immoral'. She's really not amused by the argument that morality shouldn't be a primary (any) concern of the Government.

So in the midst of her rampage she shares the personal information that one of the drugs her father is doing without because of expense is one she gets with a $10 co-pay and I know, from personal experience that a '30-day supply' of this inhalent lasts 2-3 months but insurance will pick up the tab every 30 days. So does it even occur to her to buy it each month at $10 and the ones she doesn't actually need give to her father? No. For her to handle the situation doesn't occur to her. It's so much easier to wait for Big Daddy to handle it.

The Cats that ate the Cream

You know that Cheshire Cat look? The smug, self-satisfied, I just ate the cream look that makes you either want to laugh or slap Hell out of someone? I've been seeing that a lot this week.

First I saw it on Merv. He's so thrilled over his Stays in Vegas encounter (which ended up being with a regular person and not a Pro) he can barely contain himself. Well. Happy Birthday to him and all that.

Another person I saw give 'The' grin is Cindy Sheehan. She's back on the front pages after those meanie hurricaines stole her publicity. She's the martyr again. Does she give a thought to the 'Nazi Police' who were put in the position of having to warn her and others multiple times that their behavior was illegal and they would be arrested if they didn't stop? Nah, they're expendable as long as Cindy gets the lead on CNN. We must have priorities.

She has admitted a number of times that she never really wanted the President to meet with her (again!) because then she wouldn't have an issue to protest about. So I wonder, if an omnipotent being came to her and said "You can have your son back but, no one knows your name and you have to respect his choices, that he chose to re-enlist after the Iraqi war started." would she take the deal? Or would she justify the sacrifice of her son for the 'greater good' of stopping the war (getting facetime). After all, she's already sacrificed his honor.

A Great and All-Consuming Love

A friend asked recently 'Is it unusual for one person in a relationship to love more?'

I've always thought that was an inevitablity. Nothing is ever equal.

I've loved more. I've loved less. It's safer to be the one who loves less.

Which raised the question "Are you missing out if you always think about being safe?"

I believe that 'Great and All-Consuming Love' can exist. I've seen it. Part of me longs for it and would love to experience that at least once in my life. Another stronger part of me realizes that kind of love consumes everyone and everything around it.

It's a selfish love. It doesn't care about how many people get hurt. Nothing or no one is as important as the two people and their being together. It's passionate, and intense, and wonderful for the people who can and are loved that deeply. For those around them, best case scenario it's like being the children of Ron and Nancy Reagan, worst case, you're the collateral damage of their great romance.

Shiver

So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention, do you?

I know you don't listen to me.

'cause you say you see straight me, don't you?

On and on from the moment I wake!

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me!

I'll be waiting in a line,

Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?

Well I'll change for you.

I want you to know,

That you'll always get your way,

I wanted to say

Don't you Shiver?

I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need ya,

But you never even see me, do you?

And this is my final chance of getting you.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.

And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.

I sing it loud! and clear!

And I'll always be waiting for you

So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention,

And you know how much I need you,

But you never even see me.

A Loud Silence

I have developed the habit of not saying anything when I'm angry. That can lead to some long and loud silences. Each time I start to speak I stop and think 'Is what you're about to say going to help or cause damage?' and if it's going to be damaging I try to keep quiet and keep working off the anger until I can speak calmly.

I've been very quiet these last couple of weeks.

I love Zach, I do, but I don't remember him being this annoying when he lived at home. Tell him daily 'Don't change the thermostat on the Air Conditioner', he does it anyway. Walk in and realize when he's helping out by washing dishes (at your insistence, not because he thought to volunteer) he's doing it in cold, dirty water.

He never offers to pick up a check, help out with a tip, make any financial contribution, and seems to have a sense of entitlement that he certainly didn't get growing up in this house.

The only thing that's making it bearable is that Zelda has warped back into 'Super Good Child' mode and is being overly helpful, kind, and considerate.

It's as if everyone has fallen back into the roles they've always filled in the family. It's amusing but it also gets old. I may speak sometime tomorrow.

It's all in a name

While waiting to find out what Britney has named the latest Feder-scion and wondering just how gawd-awful the name's going to be....

What are people thinking when they name their children?

It goes from the herd names...how many Jessicas, Jennifers, and Joshuas do we really need? (and what's with naming all your kids with the same initial no matter how tortured the spelling has to get to accomplish it?)

to people who think it's cute to name their child Rose Redd or Snow White or Apple Martin(i) (how sad is that Gwyneth Paltrow uses talking about her former boyfriends and naming her child something stupid to get some attention?)

to people who want their kids names to be so unique that they stick them with a moniker that no one's ever heard of much less knows how to spell (and just because Lemonjello, Oranjello, and Shaniqua are now in common usage it doesn't make them less awful)

to people that name their children after their favorite Soap characters or musical stars (Kayla, Shania....)

to people that take masculine names and think they look cute on little girls (I actually thought 'Madison' and 'MacKenzie' were cute the first twenty times I heard them)

I don't want conformity or a list of goverment approved names like the French but I do wish people with look at the longterm consequences when they pick a name for a child. And if you want to call your child 'Apple' or 'Coco' give them a regular legal name and call them whatever you want at home. That's what nicknames are for.

Ask any 'Bubba'

Happy, Happy Birthday, Baby

It's Merv's birthday....and he's screwing a hooker in Vegas. So much for 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas'

Does it bother me? I wish I could rock his world for his birthday but I can't be there. And I'd much rather he see a pro than fall in love with BBF.

I guess I could insist he be lonely except when he's with me but I have no intention of being lonely except when I'm with him. If he were with me full-time and wanted that, I'd be willing to give it a shot but he isn't and doesn't.

Mainly, I just wish I could be there and enjoy the experience too and hope he doesn't get arrested.

Memories...

Recently a friend asked for my Top Ten Most Memorable Moments.

No one wants to hear my memories. They could bring the room down real fast.

I remember begging my father to not cut my mother's throat.

I remember beatings and rapes and terror and loneliness so deep it felt like I would never connect with another person again.

So when people start talking about the good old days I nod and smile and search for some happy or neutral moment I can share if the discussion works it's way to me.

I always wonder if their memories are really that happy, or do they have the dark places inside that they don't share either?

The Emancipation Proclamation

Why do people think they own other people? Not like in the Sudan, which is a whole different situation, but in relationships.

I talk to so many people who are not 'allowed' to be friends with members of the opposite sex, especially men. They aren't allowed to be friends with women, mention women they work with, are flat out told "I don't trust you and I don't trust any women you might talk to."

Leaving behind the what gives anyone the right to say that to another person aspect, don't these women realize that a woman for a buddy may be the best thing that ever happened to their marriage?

A female buddy will ask a guy 'What are you getting your wife for her birthday?', 'When was the last time you took her out someplace nice?", "Dude, don't you ever get her flowers?!' A female buddy can be a sounding board that can interpret womanspeak for a guy who doesn't have a clue, help a guy realize he's wrong and needs to apologize or needs to trust his wife with what he wants and needs.

And what is it like as a woman to view every other woman as a threat? To never be able to let your guard down with anyone? It's a sad way to live. For everyone concerned.

Draft the Twins

In a country where no one wants a draft except as a way to score political points against one's opponents, why do so many people want to draft the Bush Twins?

Seriously......we have a volunter military. Even if the kids weren't legal adults, parents can't make their children enlist. Most of the time parents can't even make their kids clean their rooms! So why the outcry in certain circles that Jenna and Barbara should be Private Benjamin'd and given immediate orders for Iraq?

Are they just being ironic or do they actually believe all law should be thown out the window?

The Very Worst Person in the World

I am all in favor of first amendment rights, but your fingers should be glued together, and your tongue removed.

Oooookay......

So a 19-year-old writes a column in a student newspaper. An Op-Ed, not a hard news story (are there hard news stories in college papers these days?). She evidently was trying to be controversial, witty, and make a few points with a light-hearted tone. She has now been declared the Worst Person in the World.

She made people cry. She hurt people's feelings. She scares them that she may represent the future of America. She's a Racist, vicious, awful, terrible person.

She's 19 People!

19-year olds say and write stupid things. My Daddy always said that the word Sophmore meant 'Wise Fool'. I'm not sure if he was accurate or just kidding when he said it but he sure had a point.

Kids, and at 19 you're still a kid, get brilliant ideas that they don't have the perspective to think through to logical consequences. Hell, at 19 I thought being married was a really great idea!

She made a few good points but anything good got lost in the inflamatory language she used to draw people into the column. Bad choice. Bad editing. She probably got a lot more controversy than she ever anticipated. She lost her job. She's probably seeing the best and worst of people right now.

But could we manage to not cut out her tongue and glue her fingers together?

Maggie's Rules for Husbands

When your wife is under the weather these phrases will save your life and marriage...

"Don't worry about supper, Honey. We can handle it!"

"Can I make you some soup?"

"Would you like some ginger ale?"

"Whatever you want, Honey."

Seriously, this is not the time to discuss important issues or remind your wife that you would starve if left alone for 24 hours with no one to cook for you. Anything important will wait a day. You aren't going to be talking to a receptive audience. It's one of those trying to dance with a pig things...you're just going to get muddy and irritate the pig.

I interupt this Happy Dance...

...to cough up a lung.

Zack came home for a visit and had an 'allergy attack'.

Those weren't allergies. They were a cold and he gave it to ME!

So here I am, done with finals and I should be celebrating but I just don't have the energy. That and physical exertion is making me cough till I pee right now.

Hopefully I'll feel better before the next Quarter starts and I can celebrate.

Now, where did I put the Nyquil?

Everyone's got their chains to break

I was talking to a guy the other night and asked him what he wanted out of a relationship. His answer was simple.

"No Strings"

Maybe I have it all wrong but to me there are always strings. No man is an island and all that. Some are as light as gossamer. Some are as heavy as chains. The thing you have to discover is which strings you want in your life and which ones you won't tolerate.

I want strings.

I want strings like caring, respect, honor, friendship. I want strings of history and memory and shared experiences.

For me, strings are the threads that make up our lives.

No Pain, No Gain

Brick and I have been trying.....again.

It's not been bad. It's been steady, dependable, reliable (things it often has not been in the past)

It has not rocked my world.

How do you say to a vanilla spouse "Make it hurt"? How do you explain to someone with no appreciation for pain how good it feels, what the physical sensation is like, that you're starting to realize how necessary it is for you to fully enjoy sexual contact?

It's like explaining how an orgasm feels to someone who's frigid or what 'blue' is to someone who's never seen. Or someone explaining why mushrooms are good to me, a person who views them as fungus.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't know why so many people like me seem to marry vanilla and find themselves in this situation.

But do you walk away from someone you have a life with because you know you'll never have completely satisfying sex? Do you cut that part of yourself off and try to never think or feel that way again? Or do you, as I keep trying to do, compartmentalize? Have the person, vanilla, you build a life and family with, and the other person you express your sexuality with?

Somehow, that's been workable so far. But that's thanks to Brick and his ability to, if not fulfill my needs, let me go and try to fulfill them on my own.

But...it's for the children!

A woman chooses to have a child with a married man. She knows he has a child. She knows he has a lot of financial oligations. She knows that his wife is the person who makes the majority of the family income. This is all okay with her. She's endlessly understanding.

And then he leaves her and goes back to his wife.

Now, she's not so understanding.

Now she wants 28% of his pre-tax income and complete medical coverage for the child (which will add about another 8%). And as soon as the Judge signs the papers obligating him to the amount, she plans to release information to his employers that will cause him to lose his job.

Does anyone in her circle of friends tell her that she's being vindictive? That she's doing everything she can to destroy this guy because he never did or will leave his wife for her? Because he chose his wife and their child over her and the child they had together? No.

They tell her how great she is to fight for her daughter.

No one asks "What good does fighting for an amount on a piece of paper do for your daughter when you're going to insure he never again has the income to pay it?"

The reality is that either his wife will pay the child support or the guy will go to jail. I guess the woman feels either way she wins. Thing is, either way her daughter loses.

But hey, she's only doing it for the children.

Homewrecker

Husband Stealer

Ho

Slut

Tramp

Floozy

Mistress

Girlfriend

There are so many words for the Other Woman. For the betrayed spouse there aren't that many. It's as if, by the fact of their betrayal, everything else about them has been wiped away. Any sins they may have committed washed clean. Any faults lost in their victimization

I'm not faultless. Lord knows, I'm not sin free. And if Brick has another woman, she didn't wreck my home. He and I did that all by ourselves. We are the ones who piled pain upon slight upon hurt for years until we've lost each other.

No one else caused it. No one else lured him away.

Maybe it's too hard for some people to blame the person they've loved and tried to build a family with? Maybe it's too hard to take any of the blame on themselves?

All I know is, in my marriage, neither of us is a victim.

Give and Take

Are we given the roles we play in our relationships or do we create them? Probably some combination of the two.

Brick has always been the Enforcer.

He's protected me. He's protected the kids. As soon as my family met him, he was given the job of protecting them. Got a wedding or funeral coming up and have a relative that's guarenteed to act a fool? Call Brick.

Is he even aware how much of his personal life is spent in protecting all of us? If he knows, is that something he likes or just accepts as necessary?

I often think of him as my lion....big, powerful, deadly, always prowling around the perimeter...after all these years, I can't imagine life without him in it, always there, sometimes in the background, watching, guarding. And as comforting as that is, I resent the Hell out of it sometimes.

Please come...

to San Diego, Vegas, Houston, LA..........

to Atlanta, Albuqueruque, Jacksonville, Dallas.....

Always on different tracks, in different places, with different obligations.

If you think a man is stringing you along, he probably is.

Aint no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough, ain't no valley deep enough, to keep me from you.

Please Come to Boston

Please come to Boston for the springtime
I'm staying here with some friends and they've got lots of room
You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk
By a café here I hope to be working soon
Please come to Boston

She said "No, would you come home to me"

And she said, "Hey rambling boy now won't you settle down
Boston ain't your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee"

Please come to Denver with the snowfall
We'll move up into the mountains so far that we can't be found
And throw "I love you" echoes down the canyon
And then lie awake at night till they come back around
Please come to Denver

She said "No, Boy, would you come home to me"
And she said, "Hey rambling boy why don't you settle down
Denver ain't your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
Cause I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee"

Now this drifter's world goes 'round and 'round
And I doubt that it's ever gonna stop
But of all the dreams I've lost or found
And all that I ain't got
I still need to lean to
Somebody I can sing to

Please come to LA to live forever
California life alone is just too hard to build
I live in a house that looks out over the ocean
And there's some stars that fell from the sky
Living up on the hill
Please come to LA

She just said "No, Boy, won't you come home to me"
And she said, "hey rambling boy why don't you settle down
LA can't be your kind of town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee"

Maggie's Rules for Police Chiefs

It is not appealing if you whine about how your security guards had to protect you from the gang bangers when there's a seven year old little girl with a slit throat who had no one to protect her.


You are better able to protect yourself than she was you waste of space. Those men that were busy protecting your sorry butt would have been better utilized protecting some of those children you obviously didn't consider as important as you.

Dear Maggie

Sometimes I think I should start an advice column. It's not that I think I have all the answers. I just have different ones. And I seem to spend a lot of my time giving advice.

I try to veg for a little bit and I end up talking to people about their stategy in asking for a divorce, attempting reconciliations, what they really want out of life, and how they shouldn't put things off.

And maybe if I did it 'officially' it would be easier to set Office Hours.

Daysleeper

I cried the other night

I can't even say why

Fluorescent flat caffeine lights

Its furious balancing

I'm the screen, the blinding light

I'm the screen, I work at night

I see today with a newsprint fray

My night is colored headache grey

Don't wake me with so much.

The ocean machine is set to nine

I'll squeeze into heaven and valentine

My bed is pulling me,

Gravity

Daysleeper

Pass the Tin Foil

A 'friend' (I'm really starting to think I need to be more selective when picking friends) told me tonight that any criticism of the Police Chief, Mayor, and Governor was unfair and was being trumped up to divert attention from the true villian, Bush. They had all done a fine job.

Lord knows, I'm not going to defend Bush or his good buddy Brownie but how much incompetence will people ignore in the name of partisanship? To hell with the truth as long as you can attack your political opponent. Screw learning from the multiple mistakes to insure it never happens again. People of the future, you're on your own. We're going to nail the Republicans!!!

Zach's Big Secret

Zach's home and the visit is going well except for one thing. My son came home addicted to college football.

How did this happen? I raised him right. I picked his father carefully. I married a man that watches one football game a year, the Super Bowl.

We make a special day of it. In gratitude for not having to watch endless games through the season I treat that as Brick's day and he gets any and every thing he wants. He puts in his menu requests about a week before and he gets to pig out as he vegs out in front of the TV. It's one of the few holidays that actually work well in our family.

So where did this boy come from that spent the whole weekend surfing from game to game, talking recruitment and standings and coaches and stuff? I asked him if this were a bad habit he had picked up while away from home and then the truth came out.

When he was a young boy he'd watch football on the TV in his bedroom.

Unlike normal boys who'd sneak around and watch R rated movies hoping for a glimpse of feminine pulchritude, my son was sneaking around watching :::shudder::: football.

I'd be ashamed to admit this in public but I live in Georgia. I could shout it from the rooftops downtown and no one would understand why I was even bothering to mention it. To them Zach would be perfectly normal. I wanted better from my boy than normal.

Next thing you know he'll be playing golf.

And now for something completely different....

Taking a break from all the death and destruction...my romantic life.

There are three main possibilities. One is semi-straight leaning towards kinky, but he rides a motorcycle. One is a Dom but he pushes too fast and I'm getting the impression his real life is a train wreck. Another is a Dom and everything seemed to be clicking but he seems to like things a lot more structured than I'm used to.

There are assorted minor possibilities. Minor flirtations. People like my teacher that are incredibly appealing but completely off-limits. People I've met with whom I haven't even done the opening steps of the dance.

And then there's Merv, who's always going to be 2000 miles away and Brick who comes so close I'm ready to walk away from everyone but him and then he shuts down completely.

Part of me says I have valid reasons for shooting down all the guys that I have. Another part says that riding a motorcycle isn't enough of a reason to not consider a relationship.

Part of me wants someone to care about and love that loves and cares about me. Part of me won't let anyone get that close. In other words, I do the exact same thing I complain about Brick and Merv doing. I attempt to get close then I pull back and throw up walls and try to stay safe.

Is this something unique to we three or does everyone do this?

I am Woman, Hear me Roar

I'm starting to think I must be a lot tougher to live with than I ever realized.

I have a friend whose husband suddenly decided he had the right to snoop through her drawers. Not kitchen drawers that she thought of as hers. Not he was looking for something he had a valid reason for looking for and stumbled onto something that shocked him looking. Full out, looking through her dresser drawers where the only things a husband is going to find are panties and secrets snooping. And of course he found something. In this case a BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend).

So does this man have the sense to carefully place it where he found it and back away slowly? No. He confronted his wife with how dare she have such an evil thing.

So when she's telling me this story, this is the part where I ask if he's still breathing and I begin to realize maybe other women are easier to live with than me cause I would have been at this guy like a mad chicken scratching at his head.

Instead of meekly asking for the right to privacy, I would have wanted to know what in the sam hill did he think gave him a right to go snooping through my things? And as for my evil BOB, if he'd been halfway doing his job for the last eight freakin years (did I mention that her husband has not kissed her, touched her, or had sex with her in eight years?) maybe I wouldn't have had to go purchase said BOB. Maybe if he was a really good husband we could have bought Ol BOB together and had a good ole time but no he was about useless and not even trustworthy and if you go nosing through my things you just might find something you don't want to see so stay the heck out.

But evidently, that's just me. I think my friend even apologized before it was all over.

Maggie's Rules

For Public Officials.......

It is better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

That someone above you didn't do their job does not excuse you not doing yours.

'To Protect and Serve' sometimes means 'liberating' bottled water for people dying of thirst. It also means you don't drive past people in need with an empty promise of 'Someone is coming'

Part of being in charge is that people have to be afraid of you shoving a boot up their ass, as in 'I want every freakin' school bus in the state down there getting people out before this thing has a chance to hit'

There are duties and responsibilities that come with wearing a Police or Fire Department uniform, or having the honor of holding public office. It's not just about a paycheck or having a title before your name. It's not all about you. It's about the people you have sworn to serve. And it's a mark against your personal honor when you betray that.

Do You Know....

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
And miss it each night and day
I know I'm not wrong... this feeling's gettin' stronger
The longer, I stay away
Miss them moss covered vines...the tall sugar pines
Where mockin' birds used to sing
And I'd like to see that lazy Mississippi...hurryin' into spring

The moonlight on the bayou.......a Creole tune.... that fills the air
I dream... about Magnolias in bloom......and I'm wishin' I was there

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
When that's where you left your heart
And there's one thing more...I miss the one I care for
More than I miss New Orleans

The moonlight on the bayou.......a Creole tune.... that fills the air
I dream... about Magnolias in bloom......and I'm wishin' I was there

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
When that's where you left your heart
And there's one thing more...I miss the one I care for
More.....more than I miss.......New Orleans

Do SOMETHING!

What in God's name is our government doing?

How could they have met a Cat 4/5 hurricaine with so little preparation? Why are Naval ships just leaving port? Why were people not choppered out before things got to this point. How can we ever tell ourselves that our governemnt can deal with a terrorist attack that comes as a surprise when they are incapable of dealing with an event you can see coming for days?

Mothers are having to send their children out alone. People are dying in the streets. This is America and we can damn sure do better than this.

I need Generals

and what do I get? Foot Soldiers!

The devastation is terrible. There seems to have been no planning. No foresight. Nothing even close to adequate to meet the basic needs.