I was OFFLINE

Have you ever known someone who was suspected of something and you never even seriously considered it until they started protesting their innocence loudly and repeatedly to the point of absurdity?

"It couldn't have been me. I was offline. I was cleaning my back porch. I went to bed early so I wasn't around. I have no idea what's going on. Fall cleaning has kept me so busy. What are you talking about? I have a busybusy life."

At that point you start to ask 'Is this the illustration of 'The lady doth protest too much' or am I getting paranoid"?

Another Driveway, Twenty Years Later

My Father lived a very different life than his Mother, my Mamaw. He was always going somewhere, always busy, he liked the adulation of many but, when I grew up and away and had children of my own, he took up his own vigil in the driveway.

At the end of each visit he would take a break from whatever was filling his day and come home so he could be there to see us off when we left. I would load Zach and Zelda into their carseats after lots of hugs and kisses and as we'd drive away he'd stand in the driveway and cry and wave until we were gone from sight.

My Daddy was a man who was not afraid to show tender emotion. He cried from sentiment. He cried to manipulate. Every time I drove away I'd worry that it would be the last time and the kids would cry that we couldn't leave Papa because it made him so sad.

Now that I'm the one in the driveway, saying 'Goodbye' to those I love more than anything, I find I'm a combination of the two. I smile my Mamaw's smiles till they're out of sight and then I cry my Daddy's tears. I just don't want my sorrow at their leaving to stay with them. I want then to be free to go off and experience and shine and, please god, come home soon.

Standing in the Driveway

When I was a little girl, at the end of every visit at my Mamaw's we would get in the car to leave and she would stand there and wave until we were out of sight. Some of my strongest memories of her are standing in the carless driveway in her blue housedress.

They never had a car even though they lived in a part of the country where that was standard. Daddy had a car when he was a teenager but it had gone away to school with him. My Aunt Mary lived in the same town and would take them on errands that couldn't be accomplished by Papaw talking a long walk into downtown. I guess neither of them had ever learned how to drive. I'll never know the answer. There's no one left to ask.

I often wondered what it was like for her. We were off to different lives, sometimes on our way to vacations and new places, and she just stayed there. She had her garden, a utilitarian kitchen, a TV that received 3 stations, a 1950's era radio, sunny windows full of Coleus, and her snuff can. It seemed like a boring and empty life to a young child even though I loved to visit.

For a child it was a wonderland. There was a public pool at the top of the hill, two public parks within a block of the house, a grape arbor with an old kitchen sink to use as a playhouse, a garden to run through the rows, a plaster Mama Duck with her ducklings following behind, a deep front porch to sit in the shade and watch the cars fly by on their way to Winston Salem and Charlotte and Raleigh. There were boy cousins to torment, loving laps to cuddle in, and icey lemonade to drink. It was heavenly for a child, but even then it didn't seem like it would be enough for an adult.

Looking back I recognize that she had a serenity very few people have. She was a happy woman. There had been struggles and heartaches; she'd lost a husband, a son, and a teenaged grandchild. When she had remarried a man her people didn't approve of (he was divorced!) they never spoke to her again, a situation that went on for fifty years. That's more pain than a lot of people have in a lifetime but she seemed to have found peace with it all.

I guess I could say it was a simpler time but that's a lie we tell ourselves. The 'Good Old Days' were never as good as people who never lived them imagine. Any lifetime that spanned two World Wars, a Depression, Korea, Viet Nam, the Civil Rights struggle, and the Carter Administration wasn't 'simple'.

Those are also questions I'll never know the answers to. Those too lost to death and time. But the sight of her smile and wave will be with me as long as I have memories.

Push Me Pull Me

So after an intense...conversation...with Merv it's all I can do to not say 'I love you, you know?'

Fear stopped me.

I make plans and vows and promises to myself and one intense hour with him and they're all gone, forgotten, and I'm trying desperately not to say the last thing I should.

And nothing has changed. At best I'm a fish and he's a bird. At worst I'm his affectionate, unpaid whore.

Why am I strong with everyone but him and Brick?

Cranky

I am too cranky to speak to anyone. I should crawl into a cave until I feel human again. I'm tired. My eyes hurt. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I have the queazies and my house is too full to turn around and I'm tired of it.

Choose to lose

I'm choosing to lose some things in my life.

I'm choosing to lose some weight. Seriously. Weight has been a cocoon to hide in since puberty but I'm tired of it and I'm not buying bigger pants. If I want to be comfortable I have to exercise and get back into the size I was in pre-surgery before my shape changed (not for the better). I may buy smaller but I'm not buying bigger ever again.

I'm choosing to lose Will. I want to see how things go with Brick for awhile so I'm not looking to get in any deeper than I already have. It wasn't spectacular enough to risk a good marriage for. A not good marriage, yes, but not a good one.

I choose to lose Merv as anything but a friend.

I'm choosing to lose my role as 'Mom' when Zelda moves out in nine days. I love her but I'm ready for an empty nest. I need the closet space. I want a spare room and a home gym and empty dresser drawers. I want to be able to rearrange the house to suit no one but Brick and I for the first time in 25 years. Ok, so I'm still going to have to deal with assorted furry creatures but their paraphanelia isn't nearly as abundant as the kids' (how many squeaky toys does the dog have again?)

Maybe Brick will be happy with the changes and maybe he won't. I can always lose him if necessary.

Fronting

Watching a remake of Can't Buy Me Love I was struck by one truth in an at times painful movie, people front to be popular, to be accepted.

When you talk to kinky people who have reached a mature age there's a common thread. They are still married to the person they married when they were young and that person is straight. And no matter how much the kinky partner yearns for sexual freedom I think they're also terrified of it because they hold onto that straight person/marriage and won't even consider letting go. It's as if the vanilla spouse is the monitor on behavior. You can never get too out of control, you can never go too far, being a 'deviant' can't take over your life because.... you're married.

On the other hand, there's this golden band that reminds me of the one who would not understand. On the one hand I could stay and be your loving man, but the reason why I don't is on the other hand.

In the Gay community there's a lot of talk about beards and merkins, people who obscure the sexuality of their partners either knowingly or unknowingly to safeguard them from public condemnation and career consequences. What is a Vanilla spouse but a beard? Almost always unknowingly. The kinky partner can barely admit their desires to themselves.

A cross dresser I know was discovered by his wife. She tried to talk about it, understand it, accommodate it. His shame was so deep he couldn't even discuss it with her. There was no way he could view this as a blessing. His partner knew his deep, dark secret and it wasn't the end of the world but he still couldn't share that part of himself with her.

Maybe kinky people don't want to be able to share themselves with their Vanilla spouses? Maybe they need them to be straight. Maybe that's why they rushed into marriage with them in the first place? To be saved from themselves.

Two in a Row

Brick has been sweet and thoughtful two weekends in a row. Hmmmm.....

At the end of every school quarter I ask for the same thing as a reward for good grades; for Brick to take my car to the Do-it-all Car Wash where a swarm of people clean your car inside and out for $11. And for the last 9 months it just hasn't gotten done.

Today it did.

Brick took my car to run errands and brought it back clean and shiny with gleaming windows and vacuumed carpets.

I'm liking him a lot right now. If he repeats his customary pattern, he'll be doing something assinine any second.

The Master of Understatement

So Merv mentions that he saw something and thought of me the other day which lead to a discussion of how I didn't realize he thought of me very often.

"I think of you all the time. I just don't express it very often."

The man is a master of understatement.

And I managed to not ask 'Are they good thoughts?'

Mmmm, Fish!

I go through phases where I want to eat something and I'll eat it till I'm sick of it. These days that something is fish. Fish sticks, tuna fish sandwich, clam chowder, fried catfish, I've had them all in the last week or so.

We used to live at the coast and I got spoiled. There was always a wide variety of fresh seafood available and I learned to cook it at home. Since we moved inland I've missed having the ability to buy baby sand sharks with delicate flesh for 20% of what's charged here for large, tough shark steaks. And restaraunts...you might as well cook Mrs. Pauls at home with most of them.

But tonight we went to a seafood restaraunt that we'd heard about but never tried called The Lighthouse. It was way out in the middle of nowhere and for years we had heard people talk about making the trek out there especially on a Friday night. It was worth the drive.

I had forgotten fish could taste that good. There were a few things on the seafood buffet that were disappointing, the fried shrimp and 'scallops' were not worth the calorie intake, but some things they did incredibly well.

They had a baked fish with butter, lemon, sliced fresh tomatoes, onions, and peppers that was scrumptious. I don't even like baked fish but this was unbelievably good.

The crab legs and boiled shrimp actually had flavor instead of being watery and pulpy the way most places serve crab legs these days.

The stuffed crab was spicy with a perfect ratio of breading to crab meat and seasoning. The Hush Puppies were hot with onions and the slaw was simple, not overdone the way so many places do these days, where you could taste the fresh grated cabbage. The tea came with pitchers full of crushed ice and slices of lemon. I ate so much I hurt myself.

As for ambience, it's just a little place in the country where you end up parking in the grass, and what looks like a tiny place has room for the multitudes inside. We were seated by a Hostess toting a baby who looked to be about 4 weeks old and the waitresses were friendly and helpful. When you check out there's homemade fudge and divinity for sale if you think you'll ever have room to eat again.

After 15 years inland I finally have a place to go eat seafood.

I Lied, I Lied, I Lied

And with that three characters started the best hour of soap opera I've seen in a long time.

The lies of three characters on All My Children were admitted on the same day, Di admitted to an entire family that she wasn't her half sister Dixie, Ryan admitted to his wife Greenlee that he had faked his own death, and Zach admitted to his wife Kendall that he had concealed Ryan being alive. The writing was excellent, it was paced perfectly, everything fit together seamlessly, shifting from lie to lie to lie to reactions to two admissions of wrong and one 'I wasn't wrong'

Jacob Young went from being one of the actors that annoyed me most to a restrained performance that brought me to tears. Each character behaved in a way that was true to their character. It reminded me of what I used to love about soaps.

A Vital and Independent Judiciary

I may be hearing things but it seems to me the same people now screaming for a vital and independent Judiciary are the same people who, during the Roberts' hearings, were screaming that he had to answer their questions whether they were valid and proper or not.

Can we pick one standard and stick to it, please? Maybe you wouldn't look like such pompous hypocrits if you did.

Of course the other side isn't much better. Quite a few people that were saying Roberts was right to not answer questions now want their invalid and improper questions answered.

Can't say I blame any of them. I'd love to have a Supreme Court that would implement my wishes but I can live with someone who is smart and honorable. Harriet Miers doesn't strike me as someone who's all that smart.

The Aliens Have Landed

So I go to the new doctor and she starts to examine the last remaining ovary.

"Excuse me but is that where my ovary is?"
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
"Because that isn't where it's been hurting."

The Nurse Practitioner, that brilliant diagnostician that was in and out in three minutes, thought my ovary was located 5 inches to the right.

So the nonexistent stone has now passed without any help from the medical community, I have a new OB/GYN that I like that listens, I'm getting the ultrasound done in about a week just to be sure, and I'm waiting for the results of my STD testing (don't expect a problem, just being safe).

It was a very good day. One I deserved after the very bad day before.

I want to be an anarchist

Why is that even in alternative lifestyles there is always someone wanting to impose a rigid set of rules on how people in that lifestyle should behave?

It must be an inescapable part of human nature because I have explored some extreme things, groups where you would think people would not be into judging others because they would certainly be judged by the straight world if they ever came out. There are people with rules for what you have to do and believe to be gay, polyamorous, a submissive. etc.

Evidently if you're gay (not extreme but not straight) you must be a Democrat, hate Republicans (even if they're you're relatives), shun Red Staters, and march in lockstep on every political issue. No thought, no exploration, no independence.

There are people who go around polyamorous groups, proclaim themselves Poly, and evidently have a checklist that they use to review the comments of others and chastise them if they are not conforming to their view of what Polyamory is.

And then you have the Doms who will say 'You will step into the room for 3 paces, kneel for 4 seconds, crawl to me on your hands and knees, when you reach me you will...There will be no variations' Ask them 'I thought BDSM was for exploring pleasure without a set of rules imposed by society? Why would anyone want to impose a different set of rigid rules?' and you'll get a shocked look and a 'I think we don't need to explore the possibility of a relationship further.' (My heart was broken! I lost the chance to fulfill his every fantasy with absolutely no consideration for what I might want, think, need. I was crushed.)

So I have a few rules of my own; don't lie, follow the Golden Rule, teach your children to behave in public, and dress appropriately for your age and weight. Those are the biggies. I may choose not to be around people who behave in ways I don't like but I'm sure not going to make it my life's mission to go around and tell them how wrong they are.

These people are the Church Ladies of the Alternative World (cue visual of Leather Dom saying 'Well isn't that special').

Tomorrow is another day

Since going to the doctor went so well today I'm doing it again tomorrow. Different doctor.

I'm going to try a female OB/GYN this time. Same practice as Dr. Scalpel but it's the only one in town and it does have it's own equipment instead of having to go to the hospital for outpatient testing.

If it is my last ovary and not a kidney stone I'll admit I'm an idiot and stubborn (I always cop to stubborn but admitting being an idiot is tough). At this point I just want to be right and I'm willing to spend $30 to find out but not $100 (what it would cost to get outpatient testing).

What's really chaps my shorts is that I'll spend 2 office visit co-pays in two days and since they went up 150% I'm not happy.

There are aliens in the front yard

Maybe I expect too much.

I want the people in my life, if I tell them there are aliens in the front yard, to believe me. Believe that I wouldn't make something up, believe that it's not my imagination, believe that I'm not lying.

I can't even get them to believe me when I say one thing and a Nurse Practitioner, after a cursory 3 minute office visit, says something else. I can't even get them to listen.

But hey, I'm sure she knows my body so much better than I do.

Miserable and Unhappy? Part Deux

So I saw the Newsweek article posted somewhere and the first response was " So she's saying that it's better for kids to see their parents unhappy and miserable in loveless marriage? What is that teaching the kids about relationships?"

Where did it say that?!

Maybe the author is talking about the fact that there are different kinds of love. And even in the worst of situations, being unhappy and miserable is a choice.

Do I have a fairy tale marriage? Nowhere close. But I love him. He's a friend. He's my children's father. We have fun and enjoy doing things with each other. We worked past the anger. Sure I still want to strangle him when he doesn't take out the garbage or he's being an ass but, since I can't get my hands around his neck, he's pretty safe.

Maybe all the author is saying is divorce isn't the only answer and it's not an 'easy' solution. There are consequences and the kids end up paying them a lot of the time. Which is the nature of most things. Kids are effected more profoundly than adults. They don't have the same perspective or coping skills and their worldview is still being formed.

And really bad marriages, if there are kids, don't end when you file the papers. The battleground changes and the kids become the weapon of choice. Prime example? Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger.

There are not 2 choices; divorced or miserable and unhappy. There is a wide variety of compromise in between.

Miserable and Unhappy? Part I

Newsweek (apologies to Newsweek but no one but me really reads this thing)
Oct. 24, 2005 issue -

While everyone knows divorce is tough on kids, researcher and writer Elizabeth Marquardt says even when the split is amicable, kids still suffer. For her controversial new book, "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce," Marquardt spent three years interviewing 1,500 young adults—half from divorced families—who described the painful emotional, moral and spiritual dilemmas they faced. Marquardt talks with NEWSWEEK's Peg Tyre about the pain children of divorce may be harboring and what parents can do about it.

What feelings do children of divorce share?

They feel strongly and intensely that their parents are polar opposites, even if they don't fight. They feel they must take care of their parents rather than be taken care of. They feel loss and anger. They also feel their spiritual life is damaged because God's image as a parent is painful for them.


Many couples think it's best for the kids if the parents share custody. True?

While everyone agrees that losing contact with a child is a tragedy, presuming that joint physical custody is right for everyone is dangerous. Judges and parents need to be flexible and be oriented around the needs of the child—not the parents. Joint custody is, for some families, the best choice—but it's not a solution for everyone.


But surely divorcing parents can do something to minimize the impact on their kids?

The happy talk is that if both parents stay in touch with the kid and limit conflict, things are going to be OK. But what my study shows is that divorce divides the inner lives of children even when the parents don't fight. What happens is that the conflict experienced by the parents is simply handed to the child who must then make sense of the two worlds alone.


In your book, you write about the pain and confusion surrounding your own parents' divorce.

In many ways, the book grew out of my own experiences. Again and again, I ran into the idea that since I was successful and didn't have any outward signs of dysfunction, people assumed I was fine and my parents' divorce wasn't a big deal. That was where the state of debate about divorce was: it left out the experiences of a lot of kids who are surviving a very big challenge. I wish I had this book when my parents were going through their divorce.


What do you suggest unhappy couples do?

I'm not against divorce, but the best answer might be to get help and stick it out—especially if you are in a low-conflict marriage. The idea that we know how to do divorce better now leads a lot of adults and children down a really painful path.


And if you're already in the process?

My intention is not to make divorced parents feel crappy. But we should be able to listen to a child's expression even if it hurts. If a parent can help a child feel less isolated and alone, that would help.

Have it your way

The kids and I have liked the Gecko Grille since it opened but Brick has never understood the appeal when we'd bring him something home. Last night I realized the problem was we'd never taken him there.

He saw all the options laid out in front of him and went a little crazy. It's a like a sub shop with Mexican food. Want plain tortillas, green ones, red ones? Meat, chicken, steak, shrimp? What kind of bean? What kind of toppings?

He, Zelda, and I ended up with three trays of goopy nachos talking about life in a deserted Gecko at 9 P.M. (it's more of a lunch place). It was a good night and I was very much aware that it was one of the last times. Zelda will be gone soon and it will be just the two of us. I think it makes us appreciate each other more and the time we do have together.

Going Home

Brick did a sweet thing today. We had a daytrip into the mountains because he knew I was feeling homesick. We got a late start as we usually do these days, one of the joys of a late night schedule, and headed north.

We stopped at Johnny Rockets for lunch. It was too cutesy for me. Since I like Rock City, South of the Border, and Myrtle Beach that's saying something. The burger was good, the fries and onion rings were nothing special, the soda was flat. It was overpriced and not that much fun. For a similar experience Cheeburger, Cheeburger was better.

We drove up into a part of Georgia I hadn't been in before. Brick didn't stop at any of the places with fried pies in Gilmer County because they were too crowded or he didn't see them in time to stop. We'd get some down the road. Never did get a friend pie but I've been promised another trip when the colors are better with pie!

We stopped at Stringer's Fish Camp in Commerce for a late supper. The catfish and hushpuppies were fabulous, the tea was fresh, the waitress friendly. What Brick ordered didn't look too appealing but then if it was something I'd find appealing I guess I'd have ordered it.

It was a really great day. The scenery was beautiful, great music, pretty good food, good conversation, traffic wasn't horrible, and I have my mountain fix to get me through a few more weeks.

Writing in the sand

Yesterday I wrote a brilliant, in-depth piece that revealed way too much and when I went to post it it disapeared into a cyber black hole to never be seen again.

Maybe my blog protects me?

How is it....

that I have a list of about ten upcoming movies that I really want to see and none of them are at the theaters?!

Degrees of Sin

If I was feeling any guilt about how I was living my life, it was wiped out by what I saw at lunch today. What is adultery when compared to horrendously bad parenting?

I knew the couple in the next booth weren't the best parents in the world when their 3-year-old was standing on the seat, hanging into my booth, and talking to me. I felt justified in ignoring her. After all her parents were.

By the time my Server had returned with my change their child was annoying them too much so they let her out of the booth to run through the dining room, roll on the floor, and sing and dance. Other diners being bothered was irrelevant. They had Guacamole to eat.

It's a lovely Mexican place with fine tableware, linen napkins, art deco glassware, and an upscale design not Chuck E. Cheese. The reason I go to nice places and spend more money is so I don't have to deal with other people's Little Darlings on an unchecked rampage. If I'm in a mood where I don't care I'll stop off at McDonalds and not blink if there are french fries flying through the air but there should be some places where only adults and well-behaved children go.

It's the future that's going to get really ugly. If they can't/won't handle her for 15 minutes at age 3 in a nice restaraunt none of them will get out of her teen years alive.

Control

I love the way you look at me....I feel the pain you place inside....Lock me up inside your dirty cage....While I’m alone inside my mind....I like to teach you all the rules...I’d get to see them set in stone....I like it when you chain me to the bed...There your secrets never shone...I need to feel you....You need to feel me...I can’t control you....You’re not the one for me, no....I can’t control you....You can’t control me....I need to feel you....I love the way you rape my skin...I feel the hate you place inside...I need to get your voice out of my head....Cause I’m the guy you’ll never find.......I’m faking all of the rules.....There’s no expression on your face....I’m hoping some day you will let me go....Release me from my dirty cage

I'm going to Disneyworld!!!

You know how kids who are sick get taken on the trip of their dreams? They go to Disneyworld, or Hawaii. Some place they've always wanted to go and there probably will be no next year. Well Beth isn't getting Disney but she is getting to go see her kids, see the new home, the new business, spend a few days seeing where they are building their lives, and then it's back to the hospital for more tests. I just feel an unbearable sadness. How hard this trip is going to be on all of them but thank goodness she's getting to go.

I saw a discussion the other day by a bunch of adults who found out their parents had 'cheated'. No matter what the circumstances or how the parents handled it they were in the wrong and the kids were pissed. If they stayed, they were wrong, if they left, they were wrong. And the kids all seemed to think it had something to do with them. They had been betrayed

I hope our kids love us, can forgive us, realize we all did the best we knew how under the circumstances, that we all loved them, that none of us could ever walk away from them in a search for 'happiness' at their expense. None of us could walk away from the committments we made when we were 18-22 years old just because we 'grew up' and realized that wasn't who or what we wanted.

Unchain my Heart

and my stomach.

Maybe I'm spoiled because I grew up in North Carolina where BBQ is an obsession but...

It all started a few months ago when Brick and I went into our favorite BBQ place and were handed menus with a different name on them. The name of the new Polynesian restaraunt that was replacing it. The things that had made it our place to go were all gone; the rosemary and other herbs in the breading of the Onion Rings and Fried Green Tomatoes, the unique green pepper taste of the BBQ Beans, the spicy BBQ sauce. All gone. Could the Smokey Bones, a chain BBQ place up the road, have anything to do with that? Surely it couldn't. People have enough sense to eat BBQ at local independents not mass-produced franchise stuff passing itself off as BBQ.

Then today I noticed another local place was gone, soon to be replaced by a Mexican Cafe. Oh well, it wasn't our favorite. It was a Must have BBQ on a Sunday and it's open place but the food was decent, just not memorable.

Noticing that it was gone, I wanted to eat some BBQ at our remaining 'favorite place' and the weekend is coming when all authentic BBQ joints shut don for a few days so it was a good day to go so off Zelda and I went for some Chopped Pork, Brunswick Stew, Cracklin Bread, slaw, handcut fries, iced tea, and, if we were very good, peach cobbler. It was gone. The doors were shut. The parking lot was empty. There was a For Sale sign out front.

NO!!!!!!!!!

Now desperate, we went to a new place, 'Shane's Rib Shack', hoping for a new place to go, and walked into BBQ Fast Food. Lord, take me now. Mass produced, generic, served with plastic and styrofoam, and tea from a soda dispenser.

It was a Pitty Pat Moment where I desperately wanted Uncle Peter and my smelling salts (my fragile state is not being helped by the fact this blog is not allowing me to start new paragraphs. This is a story that cries out for separation).

I don't know what I shall do to recover. I'm thinking a road trip to visit what BBQ Meccas remain. I'm feeling so nostalgic I may even eat...beef.

Where there's a Will....

And in the end it's as simple as saying "He's good for me." Left unsaid all recriminations, the unspoken 'and you're not'.

I don't even know how long this is going to be good and I'm not going to worry about it. I don't love him. I like him. I'm having fun. I'm getting to know him and like what I see so far. Even Zelda has commented that we're good together and asked 'Is he married? Oh, too bad.'

He has a home to go to and 14 years of childraising ahead. That's not someone I think I have to worry about getting to serious about.

Should I be bothered that he's married? Maybe, but that's not in my belief system. I don't want to keep him. I don't want to take anything away from his wife. I don't hate her, don't know her, have no idea what her wants and needs are.

I do know that some friendly infidelity can keep a troubled marriage going a lot longer than it would be able to survive without it.

I want to treat him fairly and honestly and have him treat me the same way and I want to have fun. And if we're both a lot happier when we go home at the end of the day and more pleasant to be around that's a winning situation for all concerned.

What a surprise!

***Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory***
You want to have your cake... and everyone else's.Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too!You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship.You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.
What's Your Ideal Relationship?http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyouridealrelationshipquiz/

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...

whatcha going to do?

Police brutality I understand. Doing nothing, driving past people in need, and looting the local Walmart I had a hard time wrapping my head around, but beating up a suspect and roughing up a newsman, I understand.

I can't even begin to explain why they did the first things. The brutality...no one becomes a policeman unless order and control is something they believe in (excepting those people who know it's a secure job for them, much like getting on at the Post Office). One of the biggest problems is convincing Rookies that their days will be filled with paperwork instead of kicking down doors and shooting people. It's why they apply for the job in the first place. They get to issue orders and make people follow them.

So you have these guys and everything in their lives is out of control. Their homes are destroyed. Their families are scattered. Their public image is horrible. They're seen as part of the problem instead of the guardians there to serve and protect. They're probably pulling 12 hour shifts (which, with paperwork and roll calls is never 12 hours) every day for 6 weeks and the city is probably doing everything it can to screw them out of overtime.

This was inevitable.

It's sort of like a dog chained in a yard. Most dogs are good but if you torment any dog long enough and hard enough eventually they're going to bite.

Not saying what they did was right. And since they're going to take the fall for everything that Department did bad, they'll definitely be punished.

What's a shame is that with a decent Chief maybe this could have been avoided. There would be 'incidents' but nothing that ended up with a skull fracture.

Breaking Bonaduce

I don't know why I watch this. It makes me sad. Isn't TV, at the least the non-uplifting, non-informative kind, supposed to give you pleasure? I just remember the smart-ass kid I had my first age appropriate crush on and look at what he's done to his life. And what's scary is that I can see how easily my own life could have gotten that out-of-control.

But Dude, you look like a total ass when you're getting a handjob in a bar and having a meltdown cause your wife sees a stripper in his underwear. Pick one or the other. Double standards are crazymaking behavior. And tacky.

Cleaning House

Maybe it's the change in seasons (amazing what the temperature dipping below 80 will do for a girl) but I have been overwhelmed this weekend with the need to simplify my life. I've reorganized desks, closets, rooms, throwing away bags of stuff that I 'needed' a few days ago and have no use for now

The Difference...

You know that old joke "Do you know the difference between Brick and God? God doesn't think he's Brick."

God Complexes aren't as popular as they used to be. I think they got replaced over the years by phrases like 'Male Chauvenist Pig'; 'Repressed Memory Syndrome'; AAD, AHD, ADHD, LMNOP. But it's still a good joke.

One of the few people still being accused of a God Complex is Bono. This time however the person may not be far off. So not a Real God, but definitely a Rock God.

Almost 25 years in the business and he's still bright, and funny, has something to say, and tries to be involved with something bigger than his own ego or having a room full of Japanese 13-year-olds as a contract rider.

As much as I complain about the Rolling Stones having no business on tour at their age, I'm still interested in what U2 is going to do next and they haven't disappointed me yet.

So NOW You Tell Me!

So the window is slamming shut fast and now Merv starts to open up. Today, without my asking, he told me the truth about his life, his day, why he was unavailable all afternoon. He shared fear, and pain, and worry, and information.

It's not all about me. It has almost nothing to do with me.

What I have interpreted as he doesn't care, I don't matter, he's playing games is actually he's completely overwhelmed and dealing with more than any one person could deal with and I'm the one that gets lost. As I should be.

When you have a desperately ill, hurting wife and a girlfriend that's feeling unappreciated, the girlfriend needs to hush.

It doesn't really change anything. I'm not going to rearrange my life to be at his beck and call. If and when he's ever ready to see if this can go anywhere, he knows where I am. I may be available but it won't be because I've been waiting.

It does make it so much easier to be his Friend.

I realized tonight that all these years he has always taken care of everyone else and not himself. He even takes care of me. I've always known that but it's the first thing I lose sight of when I'm hurt.

Evidently the reason he lets go of me is because I'm good for him. I'm what he does when he takes the time to be 'selfish'.

Which raises the question: if this all ended tomorrow, and he did want to try, would he be able to let someone love and care for him? Is it something he would be able to learn how to do at this point? Or is it too ingrained? Will it always be that the better I treat him the more he has to deny himself me?

And doesn't this all sound incredibly egotistical? Maybe this is what a manic episode looks like? Grandiosity.

Not really.

I don't think I'm grand. I'm not beautiful. I'm not young. I'm not accomplished. But I am good at loving him.

The Back Fence

As society became faster, women moved into the workforce, and cultural values changed, so did the back fence.

In the olden days (back when we had things like records and TV antennas and transister radios)women would meet over the back fence while they were hanging out the laundry or gardening and discuss the scandals of the community.

The community has expanded. It's bad form now to talk about who your neighbor is sleeping with if you even know who your neighbor is. I live in a small town in the country and I know 1 neighbor out of 100. Most relationships these days are formed at work, school, or church.

So celebrities have filled our gossip void. I may not know who lives two houses up the street but I know who Paris Hilton is and odds are anyone I want some idle chitchat with will too.

So, in an homage to the back fence of old...

Did you hear about that Hilton girl, Paris? I hear she broke up with that finance of hers. The one with the same name. Seems to me they really broke up quite some time ago. Wonder why they're just fessing up to it now?

And speaking of been broke up, what's up with Nick and Jessica? They ain't seen happy for a long time. But you know what they say about those Preacher's daughters...

And Tom and Katie are having a baby? I heard tell he couldn't make babies?

Wonder if Brad's gonna marry that woman he left his wife for? Well, I guess no one really knows what goes on in a mariage but the two people in it. Anyway, he looks happy.

And Britney had her baby. Wonder if that husband of hers will get a job now? Hard to believe she married someone that's even trashier than she is.

And that Lohan girl got in another car crash, bless her heart. Like her life wasn't enough of a wreck. Someone should take that girl's keys away from her.

In a way, the new celeb-culture is an improvement over the old days. The people that are gossiped about now at least put themselves out in the public eye. They wanted attention. They may have had no idea what that attention was going to be like but they did go seeking fame and success.

In the old days, it didn't take much to be the hot topic of you community and it was rarely sought out.

The Big Talk

We actually had it. Merv didn't avoid it. He brought up the topic of testing. Will it change anything? Who knows.

As I admitted to him, constantly testing people around me is not a good or healthy way to conduct relationships but it's one habit that no amount of therapy has been able to break.

I grew up in a house and then went straight into a marriage where no one ever tells the truth. If I asked Brick 'Are you angry?' he would answer 'No, of course not.' even as his hands were around my throat slamming my head into the floor.

In my life, the only way to stay safe is to interpret the unspoken, read the signals, never believe the words that are said but instead believe the eyes, the red face, the clenched teeth. Or, with Merv, the unkept promise, the unmade call, the unlived life.

Tests are ginger steps on ice that may not hold my weight.

Testing 1...2...3...

So I mention to Merv that I test people in relationships and it occurs to him I've been testing him all these years and he asks 'So I passed all of them, right?'

No, bud. You failed almost every single one.

So now we're going to have the 'Big Talk'. Or he will avoid it and this will never be mentioned again.

Thing is, does he realize this is a test too?

Lord save me from ambivalent men.

Time Heals Everything

Time heals everything

Tuesday

Thursday

Time heals everything

April

August

If I'm patient the break will mend

And one fine morning the hurt will end

So make the moments fly

Autumn

Winter

I'll forget you by

Next year

Some year

Tho' it's hell that I'm going through

Some Tuesday

Thursday

April

August

Autumn

Winter

Next year

Some year

Time heals everything

Time heals everythingBut loving you.

So make the moments fly

Autumn

Winter

I'll forget you by

Next year

Some year

Though it's hell that I'm going through

Some Tuesday

Thursday

April

August

Autumn

winter

Next year

Some year

Time heals everything

Time heals everything

But loving you!

Unchain my Heart...

Baby let me be

So things are going well with Will so far. His company is enjoyable. He seems like a sweet guy. The sex is....earthshaking.

Merv seems to think that I'm seeing Will as a way to arouse him

Was his ego always that big or have I just adored him for so long it doesn't occur to him that I'm replacing him? Or does he know that if he showed up tomorrow and said all the right things I'd still give it a chance with him? Because I would. There are just too many years together to not at least try. But his window of opportunity is closing fast.

What the....?

I woke up to the news that after picking someone who looks promising as the new Chief Justice, George W. Bush picks the former head of the Texas Lottery Commission to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. I'm just...thrilled.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have any experience as the head of the Arabian Horse Association but she did a lot of volunteer work with Goodwill and the YWCA and was on the Dallas City Council. And she thinks George W. Bush is the most brilliant man she's ever known.

What is it with this guy that things like experience and accomplishment mean nothing to him compared to an appointee's ability to figuratively suck his dick? There may have been 35 previous Justices that never served as a Judge but I'm willing to bet most of those 35 were way back int he day. Couldn't he have chosen someone who had at least been a Probate Judge?!

It's going to be one heck of a Monday.

Maggie's Rules for Break Ups

Women get to do the leaving. They go on to be blissfully happy and the man should mournfully sing 'He Stopped Loving Her Today' for the rest of his life while not veering into stalking territory.

It's the only decent thing to do.

But since we've mentioned boyfriends....

During the long drive I did a count of the men in my life.

There's the 'Break Glass in Case of Fire' guy who I've been trying to ease out gently. Even if there was nothing else going on, he's just not worth the aggravation. Too much drama for an occasional hookup. Is it better to be permanently 'busy' or should I just tell him it's not happening?

There was a guy I was trying out, might have been good, but someone that suits me better/moved faster came along instead.

There's a casual correspondent where there's a growing attraction and he might be a lot of fun but the suits better guy...

There's Brick, who I almost walked away from everyone for a few days ago, who plays push me-pull me, makes a great effort one day, calls me a bitch in front of our child the next, and expects it to be all better (with no effort from him) the day after that.

And Merv...

Compared to Will (the suits better guy), Merv's not looking too good. Will has been more open and welcoming in the short time I've known him than Merv ever managed to be. So I was pondering all this and realized if I had to have a fierce discussion with Merv about all of this I would be saying the only way I can justify passing up a chance at something good with this guy is if there were profound and massive changes from you and since I've never bought into loving someone on the condition that they change, that's not going to work.

Six is too many even for a polymorous (ok, slutty) type so, what to do?

Break in Case is over except as a casual friend

Try out is over, didn't make the team

CC will stay just that. Talking is fine but there are going to be clear boundaries.

Brick's not going anywhere. If he died tomorrow he'd be a huge part of me till the day I died, both good and bad.

Merv...I will not put him before Will. His unearned reign as Number 1 has ended.

Will, I want to see where it goes. Can he possibly be as nice and sweet as he appears so far? If so, I'm going to have to rethink some core beliefs. If not, what's the risk in trying?

Do What?!!

So I've been going along, relationship juggling like I have for 20 years, and today Brick acted jealous. Why now? Why today?

He asked three times in five minutes about my 'boyfriend'. Since the reason I had been gone was because I drove to where our daughter Zelda will be moving, ate lunch with her, got lost a few times, and drove home (50+ miles each way and I was only gone 3 hours) he must think I'm a really fast mover.

I have been hiding something from him. I've been trying to get a job, interviewing, making practice runs of the commute (it's in Zelda's new town).

Why have I not told him? Well, right after I decided to trust him 'one more time', he spent the day telling me to 'shut up' and called me a 'selfish bitch' in front of someone else. I'm just not feeling like sharing a lot of myself with him right now. Especially not something where I'm already terrified of failing and not being good enough. I need to be focused, not worried about him having a hissy fit and how he'll do his best to sabotage everything. Maggie gets everything she wants...I go in Tuesday for my first day, it goes well, then I tell him. And if I'm really lucky, he's proud of me instead of asking 'Who's going to cook my dinner?' I'm not holding my breath on that one.